A Sense of Place...

Last orders

2012-02-07T05:57:00.000-08:00

Final warning (like, who do I think I am anyway?!). For those of you who still think I'm here, well I'm not. I shall be taking this blog down on Valentines Day.

If you're still interested I'm now here:
www.journeyintotheland.blogspot.com

I'm Moving

2012-01-17T10:45:00.000-08:00

So, yes.
I'll leave this blog up for a few weeks before deleting it.
Anybody who still wants to can find me here now:

http://journeyintotheland.blogspot.com/

So, before I go (Albeit not far) I'd just like to thank all of you that have taken the time to comment and lend your thoughts and support. I now know some of you better than others, but it's been great getting to know you all ^_^

Pondering some changes.

2012-01-16T01:08:00.000-08:00

I am thinking of deleting this blog and starting again. I like somewhere to write, but this has become such a mish-mash. Which was fine to begin with.
I have always done this. I always used to write diaries and then every few years or so, when it felt like everything had changed I would rip them all to shreds, or burn them, and feel so much lighter... all those words, gone.
I could just change everything about this blog of course, but it wouldn't feel the same as starting again. It's a ritual or a sort, this clearing away, a holds meaning even if it contains little logic.
So... I'm thinking of starting again. For those of you who are still interested, I'll still be blogging on the same account and will probably post here where abouts I'm to be found :)

Time flying...

2012-01-13T03:08:00.000-08:00

Do you know, suddenly it is almost time to start sowing seeds.
I have been thinking over the four holes ceremony for some time. Seemingly I had all the time in the world to ponder this. Winter held sway and spring seemed so far away. Now though it is almost springing upon us and the garden is STILL not ready. The new beds are not even half way complete, still awaiting the clearing out and dismantaling of the old shed. This is Mr. Nellie's job and the nearing of spring has meant I have started to nag him to get this particular job completed so we can finish constructing the new beds.
Woe the beds! What a disaster that was! I used birthday money given by a very generous father-in-law to buy railway sleepers to make proper beds in the garden. I did not however give any thought to the suitability of such items for growing veg, only knowing that people used sleepers in the garden and allotment. So pleased I was when they arrived and then, then I saw the warning stickers on them... warning stickers, and suddenly using them to grow my veg in seemed a stupid notion. I cried. Really, really cried. See I really do love that garden and was so full of hope. The garden told me fertility was an issue and to ACT. So raised beds seemed the obvious choice. Anyway after much research and the bare fact that I have no more money to change my plans, we started building the new beds and lining all the sleepers with think plastic as a barrier to anything nasty seeping into the soil. The bones of the new garden started to take shape. Then the next step was the shed removal, and there the progress has ground to a halt. I am now desperate to get things moving again, spring is so close!
And still I have not given careful consideration to the four holes ceremony, nor have I researched Plough Monday customs as I intended to do over the winter months.

Tired

2012-01-12T00:56:00.000-08:00

I'm waiting for something.
I'm not sure what yet, but I'm waiting for something. An idea maybe, perhaps a person or maybe a particular book will float my way.
And I'm tired. Home-ed is wonderful, I love it. But it's a long day of work with all the housey type chores on top, and right now I am just plain old weary...
Things feel like they are in flux right now. I think maybe I am just picking up this from the land rather than finding it originating within myself. Which is ok.
I have met new people. Real life pagans, of flesh and blood. Which is new. Nice, too. I enjoyed their company, but don't yet know how well I'll fit in. I am dissillusioned with blogworld at the moment. So many beautiful blogs out there but, but... I could learn so much more away from the computer than I can at it. Sometimes all those words that float around in cyber space feel insubstantial. Like consuming nothing but lettuce, with hardly any true nutritional value. Or maybe hamburgers would be a better metaphor for some words; words that seem weighty but are all density and no vitamins, no vitality.
*Sigh*
I think possibly I am just in a moaning mood.
I spent ages debating with myself upon labels, desperate for an answer to the 'what am I?' question. But actually I'm sick of it. I can't fit into any of the boxes well enough, like of the rail clothes. There's always straps that fall off shoulders, or baggy bits under the arms, or the legs are miles too long...
Thankfully we have our nature study today because I think I really need to be outside where the world makes sense.

Finally, a hare.

2012-01-04T04:03:00.000-08:00

Certainly the smallest thing I have attempted to carve. I've been nudged to do this carving more than once, and here finally here it is. Though it's not at all what I thought it would be. For once, this is something personal, carved to be used (if that is the correct word) by myself.

of photographs and drawings...

2012-01-03T04:18:00.000-08:00

I walked through the nature reserve, further than I have ventured before. I had packed lunch: lots of spinach, spicy rocket and sweet red onion in a pitta, and as a treat a pink lady apple. Yum.
The old gravel pits were so noisey, filled with arguing geese. Noisy but somehow still as well.
I had brought my camera with me this time, which I don't usually do. I had thought I would take some beautiful pictures.
Sat there though it just didn't feel right to capture the place on camera. The lense somehow seemed like I barrier I was putting up between myself and truly experiencing the place as it was. I probably could have taken some lovely pictures, but it would get me off the hook. It would mean I didn't have to look as closely to capture the essence of the place, and in not looking I would have missed the point altogether.
So I drew the place instead. Scribbles of biro in a notebook. This tree here... that cluster of fungi on an old Alder stump... It seemed wrong somehow to photograph the place when instead I could draw it and in doing so a form of interaction takes place.
My drawings probably won't be hung up in a gallery anywhere, but tucked away inside my journal they achieved what words and photographs could not.
It's strange sometimes how things unfold.

The Lost Language of Plants

2012-01-02T08:04:00.000-08:00

The Lost Language of Plants by Stephen Harrod Buhner

This really is quite a remarkable book. In a nutshell it is a book all about the chemistry of plants, and it really is a worthwhile read. This is one of the books I wanted to read for so long, but simply didn't know what that book was.
The book is heavy on the science side of things but not so much that the lay person is likely to get lost in it.
I understood the importance of biodiversity. I thought I understood. But this book has brought that one fact to life in such a way that it really has changed my world. That may seem like a rather dramatic thing to say, but it really has altered my perception of the world.
This one book brings to life the soul of an ecosystem. It gets right into the heart of what holds life together, and it struck me deep. The book explains very convincingly why plants are so incredibly important to all life on earth.
As book reviews go this really is rather short, but all I really need to tell you is that this book is wonderful and inspiring. My thought on finishing the book was that I really need to eat more plants! Read this book if at all possible, really do.

The Canopy

2012-01-02T04:53:00.000-08:00

Stepping under the canopy something insides me lets out a sigh and breathes.
When I leave and head back to paved streets, as I must,
something constricts, though I don't feel it.
Not until I come back under the influence of the canopy
and feel myself let go again.
It is like coming home after a long absence.
The soul recognises something under the roof of branching limbs.
I visit the same place, many times
and eventually something abides after I leave.
It is not a feeling that this is 'my forest', no.
It is the forest thinking 'this is my person'.
Slowly the forest takes ownership of you.

Little Birds

2012-01-02T04:43:00.000-08:00

I saw a long-tailed tit yesterday. It had been years since I saw one of these birds.

Today walking along a narrow slice of woodland, I stopped to breathe in the naked bushes. There! Little birds, little birds everywhere. Of this whole long band of woodland, it is this one small cluster of bushes around which they excitedly cluster.

Beside me, there, were two long-tailed tits, again. And there, up in the Beeches, there were more. After years of not encountering these little birds, here they were suddenly in profusion, right in the woodland I walk through often. So small, these little birds; so beautifully delicate, so blushed...

I felt lucky just to stand there so close as they went about their bird business, lucky to say hello once again.

You see me, I see you, and here we both are.

Wide Awake

2012-01-02T04:21:00.000-08:00

It's been such a mild winter here. Did the squirrels even hibernate? I see them still. Did they sleep this year? I found a hive of bees at home within a living tree. Back and forth they went, awake as can be.
Daffodils are pushing up through the earth, green and eager.
The small birds have been playing, joyful. At times filled with a manic energy, a whole multitude of them calling and talking at once, hopping from bush to bush with some sort of frantic message, unable to keep still for more than a moment. What are they saying to one another? What is happening?
The world seems so wide awake for January. Am I imagining it?

Animation

2012-01-02T03:55:00.001-08:00

You ask me how this tree can possibly be animate.
I ask you how can it possibly not?

Oil

2011-12-30T02:58:00.000-08:00

So, there's been no shampoo near me for over a month and I'm rather pleased to have made it thus far without giving in. Less chemicals going into the water system already. My choice is the tiniest drop in the ocean but I can't let that put me off. But I wasn't satified with just no shampoo. I want out of shop bought, chemical laden products altogether.
For almost a week now I have laid off my facewash as well. Although I was using the 'simple' brand I think there's still an awful lot of undesirable stuff in there too. So I have been using olive oil to clean my face. The usual method is a mix of castor oil and olive oil, but I didn't want to wait until I went to the shop so I've started with just the olive oil.
My skin hasn't come up in spots and doesn't look horribly oily, it just looks normal. I started by steaming my face and then using a honey and sugar scrub (the sugar as an exfoliant and the honey for its antibacterial qualities) and since then it has just been the olive oil which I wipe off with a warm, wet cloth, or a couple of times I've used the remnants of my diluted lemon hair rinse, diluted a little further, to wipe the oil from my face. So far so good.
But well, there's still the shower gel I've been using to get rid of too. I remember watching Ray Mears as a kid and tucking away the information that horse chestnut leaves can be used to wash with... but I'm not sure if this would be desirable day to day?
I turned to 'Plants for a Future'. The index lists 9 plants that can be used for soap:
Chlorogalum pomeridianum, Hedera helix, Phytolacca americana, Saponaria officinalis, Ceanothus americaus, Ceanothus thyrsiflorus, Yucca species, Gledistsia japonica, Yucca brevifolia.
Saponaria officianalis sounds promising doesn't it?
No shampoo was a fairly straight forward step. No face wash was a fairly straight forward step. Soap substitutes though seem a bit of a bigger step. I think I'll be doing more research before throwing myself into this one. For instance, although Ivy is listed as a soap substitute in the index on closer inspection it is used to make a rinse to clean clothes with.
I wonder where I can find Soapwort?

4 weeks of no shampoo

2011-12-30T02:36:00.000-08:00

I had a thought. I was using lemons to clean the oven door and suddenly thought lemon juice might work pretty well on my hair too, so I gave it a go.
It does work pretty well it turns out. It takes quite a bit of the grease out, but it doesn't strip the hair of oil in the same way that shampoo does, and it feels quite lovely.
I diluted the juice of a lemon and slowly poured it over, rubbing it through my hair in the same way you would with shampoo, and left it in for the time it took to have a wash. It lends a feeling of softness. I have mid to dark hair so this may well work better on blonde shades, and you probably wouldn't put it on your hair if you liked you dark locks as I'm sure I remember from somewhere that lemon has a lightening effect.
I've been using this lemon a few times a week.
My hair is still not squeaky clean, but it does seem to be getting better. It feels thicker and oddly more alive, though I know strictly speaking the cells are dead. So far the process has been less painful than I was expecting.

The Location of Fear

2011-12-29T00:21:00.000-08:00

In a sort of round-about way, like a feedback loop that just jumped into existance, I figured it out. I've been giving this 'fear' thing a whole lot of thought because I just keep getting that feeling. You know it. When you 'know' somehow that there is something going on. Fear.

My fear is a symptom I know, not the problem itself. But I just didn't know where it came from and what the problem was. So I thought some more.

Where am I out of balance? What am I carrying around that I shouldn't be? This last is slightly tongue in cheek as I find some things almost impossible to let go of, no matter how much I want to. I thought of two things. One is not somewhere I want to go, and not because of it's effects on me in facing it, but because it has the power to devastate lives of people I love. I intend for that to remain in the dark places of my soul.

But the other... well it seems fairly pathetic but all the same it is there. It is my relationship with my Grandmother, whom I have been thinking about an awful lot of late.

My father was the least favoured child, and when he met my mother she was not welcomed with open arms. My Grandmother has always thought she was a little too common. Then there was me. My father was the least favoured of three. I was the least favoured of five grandchildren, and I grew up painfully aware of the fact.

I remembered all those times that I treasured the morsels of affection thrown my way. When I was a little girl it just hurt, but that hurt was a fertile seedbed to breed resentment and bitterness as I got older.

My Grandmother wanted her children to go to university. I knew this, and so I knew she valued intellegence... After my grandfather died, closely followed by my great-grandfather, the actions of my grandmother lead to my father finally calling time on his relationship with my grandmother. I was five years old and though she was told she could still see me, she didn't. It was a real source of pain for my dad.

But just over 5 years later my grandmother wrote me a brief letter torn from a notebook, asking to see me. I treasured that letter, and re-read it so many times. She asked to see me. So as I headed into puberty my relationship with my grandmother sort of started again. Sort of.

I would see her a few times a year. Knowing her value of intellegenece I tried so hard to be clever, to be a good girl, I worked so hard in school and told her of my achievements. Always it was countered with how well my cousin had done at such-and-such. It was a painful time of trying so hard to be good enough, because then she might love me like she loved my cousins.

As I got older it didn't seem worth the hurt. Every time I saw her there was more hurt and I stopped making the effort to ask to see her.

And now today. I hear nothing from her. She forgets birthdays, but then she is getting old. But hang on, she doesn't send us a christmas card either, and I'm certain christmas doesn't slip her mind. My cousin tells me that my grandmother always asks how I am. Which I find laughable. My grandmother has my mobile number, my house phone, my email address, my postal address and has me as a friend on FaceBook. Yet she never contacts me, not even a christmas card.

But I got stuck with this notion of being a good girl and so I have never confronted her with my hurt like I always wanted to. And from her I was convinced that I was ultimately unlovable. I honestly thought I would be alone forever. Settling down wasn't even in my life plan because I knew it was never going to happen to me. So when I met a boy that took an interest in me I ended up marrying him, no matter that we were wholely unsuitable for each other...

And all the time that bitterness grew and I tucked it away because it was ugly and immature. I tired to pretend that it didn't exist.
I thought about my grandmother and felt that bitterness lodged in the region of my heart, a physical sensation. And then, then I suddenly remembered the face of the woman I called my Nanny, rather than just the things she had done and something odd happened: An almost painful shot of something like love. That was unexpected.
The feeling of resentment came from the same place as the one of love. I wondered maybe, maybe those horrible feelings were lodged in there like some sort of memory? I thought that maybe the only way to 'get over it' is to open communications again. I had thought that this was the way to go.
And then today I find she has finally responded to a Facebook email blaming FB for taking so long to reply. But she doesn't mention why she didn't bother with a Merry Christmas, or why she didn't respond to my text. Infact she doesn't respond to anything I had said in my messages at all. 3 sentances is all... It is so frustrating.
It's an interesting thought though, that the heart might be able to hold emotional memories within it isn't it.

A day lost! Or gained.. Or Something!

2011-12-21T03:52:00.000-08:00

Well I do feel a bit of a plonker! How did this happen? It is Wednesday today... but it should be Thursday... what happened? Some how my inner clock has gone all wonky. I celebrated the Solstice yesterday!!

So. Ahem.

Darkness

2011-12-21T00:32:00.000-08:00

Fear of an action can sometimes be worse than performing the action itself. Isn't that strange?
Last night I wondered if I could feel fear and proceed anyway. I did and well...
I wonder if the interst was in whether I would start, would I take the step? Less interest was in the actual action after comminting to taking that step. It wasn't what I expected. It wasn't what I feared more to the point. But I found a safe place within myself. There was nothing that threatened my safe place so I can't say how stable a place it really is. But I became aware that I had a bodily presence (yes, yes, I know this sounds a ridiculous thing to say, but mostly I live in my head a lot of the time). I became aware of my own space, my own weight, the gravitational pull of myself against the earth. I felt grounded in my body. And I hadn't realised that I wasn't before. I found it difficult to see. My eyes would not focus, though I saw nothing else in the spaces between either even though that is where my eyes settled. I did not find something or somebody else in the spaces between, which in itself is new. Normally there is always something there. But I found a kind of calm grounded in my bodily awareness, in the ability to name and claim myself. This awareness of my own integrity left me feeling less vulnerable.
No 'lights, camera, action' but honestly would I have coped if there was? Probably not. Too soon to count any chickens or make any assumptions though.
And how was your Solstice?

Inspirational Reads

2011-12-20T23:52:00.000-08:00

Decembers round up of books. Don't you love books?

Hope Beneath Our Feet ~ Ed. by Martin Keogh
I have already mentioned this book earlier in the month so I won't go into any more detail. But the book was uplifting enough that it's worth mentioning again here.

The Spirits Are Always With Me ~ Jane Shutt
This book was recommended to me, independantly, by 2 people I respect. It has taken this long for the book to fall into my hands though.
It is a book about living as a Shaman, not a Shaman how-to kind of book. Shamanism isn't my path but never the less I took plenty from this book. The first half of the book was interesting to read. It gave me a clearer picture of what somebody who calls themselves a Shamas might do. The second half of the book interested me so much that I stayed up until 2 in the morning to finish reading it. While the first half of the book is dealing with such topics such as soul loss and soul retrieval, the second half the book describes the authors experiences with land spirits and house spirits. It was this that had me staying up late because it was so refreshing to come across somebody writing of these things in a sensible manner. There is something about Shutt that makes her entirely believable. When she tells me that this is how the world of spirit works, I believe her. Probably because when she doesn't know something, she says so. There is no pomposity or inflated ego in this book. Again it's refreshing to hear somebody confess to NOT knowing all of the answers, or even all of the questions.
A worthy read, and one that I'll return to and read again I suspect.

Creating Learning Communities ~ Ed. by Ron Miller
An inspiring but lengthy read on the evils of the education system and the solutions that people are finding outside of it. It is a complilation of divers voices all with their own take on what is wrong, all giving accounts of what they have achieved that does work. And truly this book wanted to make me get of my bum and take on the whole system, create my own learning communities. Now in the clear light of day this isn't going to be happening any time soon as I lack the community, but there are some truly wonderful words (and some not so, and some that cover the same ground, but that's the nature of an anthology - you're not going to love everything). One read is enough though, I think.

Plants as Persons ~ Matthew Hall
I simply couldn't not read a book with a title like that, even though I thought it would be a re-hash of much of Tudge's work. I was utterly wrong, because Plants as Persons is nothing of the sort. It has a completely different tone and approaches the subject from a completely different angle.
Plants as Persons is a little bit social history, a little bit philosophy, a little bit science report. It sounds dry and dull from that description, but it is not. All in it's a very intersting, and well put together book, and I have never seen anything quite like it available else where. I can't help but think that some chapters were a little too short though. Possibly this was an editorial consideration but the chapter on Indeginous dealings with plants for example, could have done with a little expanding, in my opinion. Just a little. That is my only critesism of this work though because I found it very interesting and fresh.
... Oh, and Potia, is that you there in the acknowledgements??

Farming Soul ~ Patricia Damery
I so wanted to read this book, and got it bought for me as a birthday present :)
It is a slim volume and shouldn't take more than a few days to read. The book is the story of how Patricia Damery got to the point she has reached. There is much talk of her journey with Jungian analysis and Shamanism, but there is also talk of the land. It was this last part that I was most interested in. Unfortunately there was not as much talk of her developing relationship with the land as there was the other stuff and I wish I could have read more of that.
I did enjoy reading this book, but couldn't take as much from it as I was hoping. As a story of initiation though, it was an enjoyable read.

Animate Earth ~ Stephan Harding
Now firstly I should confess that actually I haven't finished this book yet but I am that certain of its fabulousness that I can write that here before reading the whole book. It is an accessable book but it is full of information. Each word on every page is necessary to convey meaning. Without such economy of words this already large book would have been massive. There is a lot of information in between those covers, and while I found the information presented in a very friendly and accessable format it is still a lot of information to digest, so this is not a book you can read quickly or casually. It needs your time and attention. This is not a bad thing.
It is the science of the Earth. Sometimes it is awe inspiring. Sometimes it is terrifying.
Breaking up the science are brief sections to use how ever you see fit. It is suggested that you try using them as guided mediations. These balance the intellectual science sections wonderfully.
I can imagine this was a terrifying book to write from a proffessional perspective but I am so glad this writing exists. Possibly everyone should read this book. This book should be on the required reading for GCSE's studies. I wonder how the world might change if it was?

3 weeks with no shampoo...

2011-12-20T23:49:00.000-08:00

Little has changed, so while these blog posts are boring for you, they give ME something to aim for. I have achieved 3 weeks, hurrah!
After 2 weeks it seemed that my hair was getting better, certainly feeling less greasy and more like hair. But it only lasted for a couple of days and now at the 3 week mark I find that it's no better than last week.
But still, it doesn't smell, and with my hair tied back I forget about it most of the time. I think my hair was just being really kind to me so I didn't feel like a grease ball in front of my in-laws. Thankyou hair ;)

Biodynamic Preps

2011-12-20T00:42:00.002-08:00

I've been quite interested in Biodynamic agriculture and have read a little bit about it. Some of it sounds like hocus pocus, but I'm willing to be open minded because I know there's a lot more that I don't know than what I do...
But the thing that really puts me off is the preps. I'm not adverse the the idea of using preps in and on the garden, it's actually quite appealing. But I'm completely put off by preps that I have to buy in. I want preps I can make myself. All by myself without shipping them across the country. Now my chances of coming across a cow's horn are pretty unlikely.
I want preps I can make. I want a local alternative to biodynamics. You know, what lives here is what will help the land. This, I believe is where biodynamics is going wrong. Somebody tell me where this information is!! Ah, of course... this is another of those things. Things you cannot find in books. I can read the biodynamics framework and philosophy, but if I want to make it work locally that will take local knowledge, it will take local participation, local immersion; and I suspect the best teachers of this kind of knowledge will be the land and the plants themselves. Did Steiner say this in all that flowery language anywhere?? Whatever Steiner original thoughts there is still something of biodynamics that smacks of a business enterprise these days and I'm not sure that this is what Steiner was intending at all.
Steiner came up with his own preps, why not come up with your own? Steiner was a mystic, he listened. Surely then, all you have to do is listen yourself? Maybe the land you live on, the land I live on, will grant other wisdom - Local wisdom?

Solstice and Eponalia and tears...

2011-12-19T23:56:00.003-08:00

What an odd time it has been of late.

My thanks to all those of you that commented on my 'mental health' post. I've decided to stop putting energy into thinking about it. I'm a moody cow, so what? ;)
But it has still been an odd time. I've been moved to my very soul by things in plain sight that I have taken for granted since I was a child; moved and heartbroken.
I was always that kid that took the most notice at school when the word 'eco' was dropped. But recently I found I'd never really moved past that childish veneer, of 'oh how terrible' into the deeper aspect of 'oh how terrible' whenever the term 'eco' is bandied about. I am the head-in-the-sand generation. I speak to Mr. Nellie of my concerns, I tell him of statistics I've read, and find that he is so suspicious of the motivations of people that he distrusts all of the statistics. I get where he is coming from, but I also find that the more I discover the more chilled I am, the more I hurt... And this isn't always looking at worst case scenarios. This has been at the forefront of my mind lately, when I think how close we are to that tipping point and all the chain reactions that will be set off when it is reached. The question doesn't seem to be 'if' something will happen, rather when it will happen and how bad it will be when it does. I've moved past intellectual horror at the statistics to a heart felt ache because of them.
Eponalia was a quiet observance for me, and much of it was pondering on the things I've learnt over the past few months about the depth and breadth of the ecological problems of our world. Epona, the Horse Mother, or any other name She may go by, She will know all about these problems, and in honouring Her on this day it was obvious that I would eventually word my heartbreak at current events.
Eponalia was something different for me. The candle lighting and prayers etc in the evening were almost secondary. All through the day I had an awareness that this was Her day. All through the day the image of a dappled horse would come to me, running across heathland, full of strength and graceful muscles. All day I was 'aware' for wont of a better word. My activity in the evening wasn't the focus, this 'awareness' was. It was comforting for me, and I can't really explain why I should find this comforting. It gave me a quiet sense of un-aloneness.
And of course today is the winter Solstice. Today the sun stands still. How can that not be evocative? Today, I think, will be important for me, though I'd be lying if I said I had a plan.
So, on the Solstice I wish you all the best of health and happiness. Merry Christmas to all of you that celebrate it :)

Mental Health

2011-12-15T01:43:00.000-08:00

We ordered Christmas presents for the kids from this educational supplies website. Ok so there was loads of educational stuff but FUN educational stuff. Really! But, buggeration on top of buggeration, the email just said the expected delivery date will be 'by the 4th of January'. What chuffing good is that ("your expletatives are so mumsy!")?? I know a couple of weeks before Christmas is cutting it fine, but really, like 3-4 weeks delivery window?? So I am &*%^ pissed off because this information was granted a day after placing and paying for the order. Over £100 of presents, and not all of them from us but purchased on behalf of others, probably won't be here for Christmas. Honestly, what do I do about that? They have the money now so I can't take it elsewhere.
Oh, Oh, Oh...
I am on count down. It is now 4 and a half days until the possibility of the big boy having his medication dosage changed.Oh how I hope it helps. This last few weeks has been so difficult. Difficult to have any meaningful dialog with him, to stop him bouncing off the walls and ramming into other people, difficult to work through the hard times and stop them turning into battles. It has been a wearying few weeks for all concerned and I am hoping there will soon be a solution. I dare not hope too much though as the past has taught me to never count my chickens.
My old friend anxiety has left me pretty much alone, of which I am grateful, but I feel odd at times. Out of balance. I know that if Mr. Nellie says one small thing that I WILL take it out of context, out of proportion, and be a pain in the arse to live with. I can feel that one small thing will have me fretting and wanting to cry. I can feel it inside me like something is not right, before it even happens. I warn Mr. Nellie that I am probably going to be a cow and go off the deep end at some point, and that I won't mean it. I hate it... I can feel it coming. It feels like not being able to keep my balance, only internally. But so far I haven't been caught by the anxiety. I see a lot of how my mother used to be in this behaviour. Is it normal to get like this? Why am I even asking, of course it isn't. My mental health is starting to concern me :( That statement makes me feel horribly antsy. Because if I think, if I say my mental health is in question, I instantly think people will question if my intellect etc are also in question.
*Scowl*
Getting a doctors appointment is incredibly difficult and I've given up trying. I know there is something not right with me, I'm just not sure if it is psychological or what? Hormonal maybe? Don't know. Jees, I have enough stigmas already, I don't want another one!!

Almost Eponalia

2011-12-14T08:21:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to decide how to mark the passing of Eponalia this year. My horse head sculpture succumbed to the ravages of living in a moisture rich house (it's a nice way of saying we have terrible problems with condensation) and I think I shall spend my spare time making something new. I think maybe a wall tile this time... I've been wanting to make something along the lines of the Icenian coin images for a long time.
Other than this I think Eponalia will be a time of quiet reflection for me, a time to consider what I've learnt this year and digest those experiences and learning during the darkest months of the year. I hope to find the time to get myself some large flat space. Norfolk is fairly flat as it goes, but finding that feeling of expansiveness is difficult in the urban sprawl. Recently my experience of the Horse Mother have been brief sensations of speed across windy, flat landscapes...
And sometime soon, I don't know when, I need to do... something, something to acknowledge that presence like the darkness and night. Something to show Her honour and respect. For though I am half fearful of Her there is no doubt in my mind that She is powerful and needs to be respected. Maybe that should read 'because I am half fearful of Her'? I don't know what that might be, and I don't know when it might be, but I do sense that that time is approaching. I wonder if there are any connections between Her and the Horse Mother.
I find on writing this that I seem to be shying away from using names. This is odd. I hadn't noticed until re-reading this, but then I don't talk about this sort of thing in my day to day life to notice any other way.
Why am I saying Horse Mother rather than Rhiannon or Epona?? Is this a result of my shifted persepctive while looking to the landscape for the gods? It has not been a conscious decision, I just find the names are making me uncomfortable at the moment. Most names were never more than descriptions but now they have lost their descriptive quality. The change in language has diverted the function of the words. What once described the presence is now a nice name. I wonder what Horse Mother would translate to? I wonder if it matters? Once the name is rendered into a tongue that's not my own there's every chance it would once again become meaningless.
*Sigh*
*Shrug*

2 weeks of no shampoo..

2011-12-14T08:18:00.001-08:00

... and my hair is pretty damn greasy. There you have it, there is very little else to say! I keep thinking it is maybe getting better each night after I have scrubbed it under a shower head, but actually it's not getting better. Yesterday I confess I almost gave in and reached for the shampoo bottle. I really do hate having greasy hair.
So, well...my hair is pretty lank right now but tied back it is more or less acceptable still. Still it doesn't smell, and this is a good thing or else I suspect my resolve would be wavering by now.
2 weeks and counting.

Lugus' Grove

2011-12-08T02:01:00.000-08:00

Thinking of things I have been slow to correlate...

There is a place in town, not far from where I live, that oddly was the setting for a dream, about a year ago, about Lugus (though I didn't realise that at the time). About 6 months later I realised walking along this road that there was 'something' special just behind one of the large houses directly opposite the place my dream took place. The place felt different, but being in somebody's back garden I'll never know more than that. But...
Actually, though I can't go into the garden I realised I do know a little bit more about the area. The road is called 'Grove Lane', which is probably no more than an intriguing coincidence of the years, but is cool none the less. About 50yards behind where I feel the centre of this 'specialness' is the edge of what I know from local history research is an old church yard to St. Andrew. The street plan still largely follows its medieval pattern so I can say fairly safely that at the least this church yard had at least one rounded edge. It later became known locally as 'the wilderness' when it survived as a wild garden, and the house that was later built on the site still bears the same name. This vaguely rounded end is tantalising enough to wonder if the whole site was circular in overall shape, but unfortunately I can find no maps old enough to answer that question. All I can say is that VERY close to the place I sense is special is a church yard dating back to at least a medieval date with at least one rounded side. That's enough to interest a pagant type no?
I knew all this already when I first noticed something humming in the air behind Grove Lane, but it took me another few months to even link the two and wonder if there was some connection. I'll likely never know, but I still wonder.
And lastly, this unlikely, unmarked spot, is also the place that I associate with community spirit again by another twist of fate. This spot, right by where Lugus perched against a wall in my dream, is on a small hill. In the winter snow it turns to ice due to the foot traffic going to the big shop next to it. People slip, people slide, and people smile at each other as they do it. This place always makes me remember moments of connection with total strangers as we share an experience and laugh at ourselves. Moments where complete strangers reach out to grab others about to slide over on the ice. It's a strange place to find flickers of community without doubt, but I do, and as such it's an appropriate place to have found Lugus I think.
Ok, so it'll never be Lugus' Grove, but it is to me. When I pass by this place I think of Him and tip my head to show respect.

I've got that fimbling feeling..!

2011-12-08T01:33:00.000-08:00

The last two mornings I've woken up with a smile on my face. This is despite that we've all had colds, the kids are going bonkers being cooped up inside because of the little guys horrible cough and we're all driving each other up the wall. Yet I wake up smiling.
I genuinely wake up each morning thinking 'thankyou for another day...'

That Christmas feeling is in the air too :) I've promised the kids we can decorate this weekend. The chill air has arrived in a way that you can sense it's here to stick now... and well, everything feels more solid doesn't it? When it's cold you notice and appreciate the weight of think blankets and duvets, ditto for sturdy walls of brick between you and the wind at night. It all serves to make me even more thankful.
And I do, I feel that Christmas feeling! I still have gifts to get, and am peed that I didn't get around to making pickled onions to share with my family, but hey-ho because we'll just have to get some good fair-trade chocolate and make truffles to give to the family instead :) This is a fairly new family tradition, and I simply love it. My mum makes sausage rolls and hands them out, last year I made truffles (because they are so easy!!) and my Aunty-J makes Christmas cake. I love this kind of giving...

Last night I took the big-boy to scouts and we were both relieved to get out in the fresh air. On the way back, despite the tarmac and houses and roads, it felt like it was just me and the expansive sky. I had 5 minutes to myself under the gloriously shining moon and I felt more awake, more whole, than I had all day. It was the best cold and 'flu relief :) The old traditional remedy of honey and lemon has done the little-boy wonders so today his cough is at level that I think the best thing is just to get outside for a bit. I think we'll take the bikes and roll!

Hope Beneath Our Feet

2011-12-07T02:47:00.000-08:00

Hope beneath our Feet ~ Ed. by Martin Keogh
Printed in 2010 on 100% recycled paper published by North Atlantic Books.

Martin Keogh sent this question out across the world: In a time of environmental crisis, how can we live right now?
This book is a compilation of some of the answers that were sent back to him, divided into 8 chapters: 1. What's at stake, 2. A way forward, 3. Taking single steps, 4. Little steps to big leaps, 5. The body of the world, 6. Balanced Engagement, 7. Meditations on living in these times, 8. Hope in challenging times, and lastly a beautiful poem by Wendell Berry is featured as the afterword.
As you would expect the essays collected here are divers. Some made me cry, and some really did actually give me hope. The way I've been feeling lately about our collective fate makes it no mean feat that somebody instilled hope in me again. Some of the essays are mystical, some are shocking. But overall this anthology is something to be savoured. Read it. Then read it again slowly, really slowly. What looks like an average book, packs quite a punch. It is like Dr. Who's tardis, so much is crammed effortlessly between its covers.
It's been a rare thing for me to give a shining book review of late, but this book is subtly wonderful, and a definite recommendation from me. Read it if the oppurtunity arises.

7 days

2011-12-07T02:28:00.000-08:00

It has been 7 days since I washed my hair.
Normally I wash my hair every day. I'm doing this for different reasons but none of them have much to do with my hair.

I'm looking forward to the 'turning point' where the hair is supposed to begin self cleaning. Here is weekly report #1.
Days 1-5 were not nearly as disgusting as I was expecting. Day 5 still looked much the same as day 1. My hair feels greasy but doesn't look as bad as it feels. My hair also feels thicker at the moment with all that oil production (Oil sounds so much nicer than 'grease' hmm?).
Day 6 I found my hair started to look and feel considerably greasier, but I still looked passably neat and tidy with it scraped back into a pony-tail and a little mascara on. Day 7, and truthfully it feels pretty yucky and I am having to remind myself why I am doing this. Today it is starting to look a bit clumpy, but again, when tied back into a pony-tail it is not so bad. I think by now I'd probably be able to do those 1940's hairstyles I so adore because my hair pretty much stays where it is brushed to! The thing which I am taking heart from it that it doesn't smell bad. It actually smells fairly non descript, but certainly not dirty. An interesting point to note, was that today my hair actually had quite a few big waves in it. I'd read of people saying that their hair went wavey when they stopped using shampoo, and I'd be rather pleased if this was a side effect for me too. Still, early days yet and it might have been a one-off.
Now, please don't let it be 7 weeks till I reached the fabled turning point!

Finding the Gods

2011-12-04T23:58:00.000-08:00

Since I have started to look for the gods within the landscape, directly within place, some things have occured to me. Things that I thought I 'knew' on an intellectual level, but find I never really knew at all until I changed my perception. Then such things ceased to be facts to know and learn and became facets of lifestyle.
One such thing is that some gods are uniquely local. If you move away from your place you will have to say goodbye to such gods. But others are more universal. The god of the lush, green growth for instance.
I may say that I worship Celtic/Brythonic Deities, but in a lot of cases this simply isn't true. What I am doing is approaching that god through a specific cultural lense. The god of the green growth isn't only to be found in Britain, His power, His essence is everywhere that glorious photosynthesis occurs. If I want to find Him in the landscape it is in the exuberance of spring and wanton summer I will find Him most easily, when His energy is at it's most visible and makes the soul sing. That is not to say He dissapears in the cold months, but that you will have to be more canny in your seeking of Him. He is not just the green growth, but many other things besides. I call Him Maponus.
If you do a wiki search you will be given the information that Maponus is a Celtic God, which is true, but only on one level. Such a god can never be localised. He will have many names and be percieved through many cultural lenses right across the temperate climate.
I can say I worship Celtic Gods and it will help you to define me, but it is not completely correct.

Boundaries and Coincidences

2011-12-04T23:34:00.000-08:00

Sometimes if I spend a long time with a limb, say an arm or leg, pressed against another's I cease to be able to feel where my limb stops. Some sort of disintergration of boundaries happens. Does this happen to you as well? It arrises from intimacy, but not necessarily of the sexual kind.
It is a strange, warm kind of feeling, this inability to find the edges of my person in this situation. Even a cat snuggled on my lap for a long period of time has gotten this bodily reaction from me. A few times I have even had this sensation with objects such as beds or sofas, but only at times when I've been bone weary. A point far past tiredness where you feel exhastion deep down in the muscles through to the very bone. Only in this state have I felt this disintegration of boundaries with 'non-living' things.
Is this sensation a physical thing or something else? I really don't know. It's been happening since I was quite young, and I took it to be normal. I still think it is normal but I no longer think 'normal' is something that everybody else experiences. I was surprised to find out other people can't see rainbows around the moon, or light halos around their eyes in the reflection of a steamy bathroom. These are all 'normal' for me. I don't think of them as something supernatural or that I have any particular psychic type activity going on. It's just normal. Some people are colour blind and cannot distinguish between blue and green but that doesn't mean that somebody who can percieve both blue and green has any particular special power, does it? The suggestion sounds ridiculous, it's just different ends of the 'completely normal' scale.

As I was getting reading for bed last night, pottering about securing the house and all that jazz, I was thinking about Andraste, for no particular reason. I have been thinking about Andraste off and on since I started trying to find the gods in the landscape rather than in my head. I know this was Her territory after all, but I am a scared little mouse of a girl and don't approach scarey deities. I had been trying to learn what was known about Andraste, and form purely intellectual opinions. I was thinking of such things as I readied for bed.
I then went to check on my children, my last minute ritual. As I closed both of their bedroom doors behind me I put out the 'feelers' for that energy that I have described before - a presence like the night time, which I often sense after I have checked on the children. It suddenly hit me, like one of those epiphany moments.
Andraste, like I expect many of you who read this blog will know, means 'Dark One'. What struck me was that this would be a very appropriate name for the energy I have felt. Truly I don't know if it is the Andraste of history, but it has given me food for thought. How is it that obvious connections can go unnoticed for so long?

November's word consumption

2011-11-30T00:42:00.001-08:00

EcoShamanism ~ James Endredy
I'm normally put off by anything with 'shaman' in the the title and I had been a tiny bit snobby about getting this from the library as so many people out there don't think too highly of the llewelyn publisher. But this book was recommended on a few sites I really like so I thought it must be worth a go.
Now honestly, my overall opinion is that it's not bad. It gave me stuff to think about, and that is always going to be good. My only problems with this book are purely personal ones - i.e that it has a Native American Tribes feel to it. This is understandable as this is the authors experiencial background. So while there was plenty to think about for me there was also a lot of material that just wouldn't suit me personally.
Worth a read.

Coming back to life ~ Molly Young Brown and Joanna Macy
I had high hopes for this book, and excitedly collected it from the library when it arrived. If I'm completely frank, I was dissapointed. There are some good little bits in there, but generally speaking there was just so much of absolutely no iterest at all, for example how to lead workshops. The majority of the exercises would have been difficult to adapt in any truly meaningful way to solitary exercises... And well, if I'm honest again, most of those group exercises I would have been reluctant to join in with too.
The authors call this 'the work that reconnects' and the aim is a brilliant one. I didn't do the exercises so maybe they really are fantastic, but... It was not what I was hoping.

The Voices of the Earth ~ Theodore Roszak
This was my first foray into ecopsychology and this book is dotted with passages which are startlingly wonderful and insightful. It is not light reading, nor is it a book to read just before bed with a tired brain unless you are already familiar with the material. It is part psychology, part poetry and part science. Altogether it is brilliant (although I still think Freud's whole concept of a child's cherished feces is well... a load of poo.)

The Thrifty Forager ~ Alys Fowler
Now this probably isn't the guide you need to set out foraging, but read it anyway because Alys really is amazing. This book is just a little piece of marvellous. I love Alys Fowler but was concerned that this book wouldn't live up to that kind of adoration. But it did! The book is quirky and inspiring. It may not give you all the tools to get out there foraging but it gives a flavour of what it might be like to do so. Full of lovely colour photography, and a realy quality feel to the pages, it is a delight just to dip in and out of. This book is a little bit like a read on the philosophy of foraging and the kind of lifestyle that it fits into. Loved it, simply loved it, I can't gush enough.
This book encapsulates exactly why this woman is my hero :) I have no idea if she has any religious views herself but I can say without a shadow of a doubt that her words will speak to every pagan that comes across them. For instance Alys tells us to ask permission before foraging, and if it cannot be obtained from any 'authority' to ask permission from the earth. What kind of pagan's ears will not prick up on hearing a statement like that? Go and read this book, it will make you smile.

And that is it. A slow month for reading this one!

A bodily community

2011-11-26T00:59:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking off an on about our bodies. Partly it's because I'm doing a Brilliant Bodies topic with the boys this month, and partly it's because of something Heather wrote on the 'Adventures in Animism' blog about her haemo-goblins.
Darwin predicted that a time would come when we would see our bodies as little universes... and I've been remembering my thoughts in high school biology classes. I remember watching little sperm cells and white blood cells and feeling astounded that they seemed like little creatures in their own right, just going about their business inside of me. In my middle school science class I remember our teacher telling us how our skin was covered in various bacteria, and I was horrified that every time I moved I was killing millions of them. It struck me at the time that it must seem like some sort of natural disaster to those tiny bacteria families that I couldn't even see and could only just imagine.
These thoughts have been coming back to me, and the more I think about it the more it seems that my body is a community. Words like 'I' and 'me' seem a little bit hazy around the edges. I always think of 'my' body, but what if 'I' am only part of this body? It would make me responsible for a whole host of other specks of life. This isn't supposed to sound all new-agey, just looking at the facts from a different angle. It puts a different spin on all the issues of modern living, such as eating loads of junk and not getting enough exercise... all those sorts of issues, they would mean we are being neglectful not just of ourselves, but a whole load life that adds up to what we normally think of as 'myself'.
I was thinking about this on the way to buy birthday cake yesterday, and somewhat tongue in cheek thought it was a bit like not looking after a dog properly once you'd decided to take responsibility for their care.
It's a rather comfortiong thought in a way... all those roaming white blood cells seeking out germs, all those colonies of bacteria in your gut that help you digest your food, all those neurons firing at the speed of light... all wonderfully distinct and special, all parts of the whole.

Seasonal appearances...

2011-11-22T01:48:00.000-08:00

I have been quieter of late here. I haven't felt much like sharing my thoughts for some reason. Which is totally out of character ;)
The last few days I've been noticing a presence. Not visable, but felt. A presence like the night time, like the shadows... I felt this same presence last year all through the winter, each time I checked on the children before bed. I've been sensing this presence again, just there and aware. I don't know who this presence is. I wondered last year if this was a different 'aspect' of Rhiannon... who incidentally I now feel more comfortable calling Epona. Strange how important a name can be...
This presence feels more in line with how Ceisiwr Serith described Hekwona rather than how I precieve the literary Rhiannon of the Mabinogi. He says that the horse goddess was never a safe goddess... and this presence feels wilder, less 'human' and more primal. Enough to raise the hair on the back of my neck though I sense no threat at all I don't think.
This presence confused me last year. It confuses me now. I wonder if it is Rhiannon, as I say... But there's also some confusion on my part because the presence also feels quite a lot like how I experienced Hekate. I could ask I suppose...
It seems clear enough though that the season has some implications. This presence has been absent all through the spring and summer months.

Too Late?

2011-11-17T04:10:00.000-08:00

Lately I keep wondering this, can't dispell the question from my thoughts.
Is it too late to prevent global warming? People are changing, I mean things have changed even in the last 10 or 20 years since I was small. But the changes are small in comparison to the size of the problem. Have we run out of time? I keep wondering this... I'm a naturally optimistic person, but I fail to find an optimistic outlook here. It worries me. I'm not alone. I know it probably worries most of you out there reading this too. I don't know if it's too late. But I think about my children, and their children... and it worries me.
This clip of James Lovelock is from last year, almost 2 years out of date, but it's worth listening to none the less. http://news.bbc.co.uk/today/hi/today/newsid_8594000/8594274.stm

EDIT
... my jumble of words didn't precisely get across my meaning. I know that the earth will survive one way or another. But how much will be lost? Is it to late to turn back? Can we still prevent systems breakdown?

Yew

2011-11-17T01:16:00.000-08:00

I went to see two Yew trees yesterday.
They nestle inside the inner ditch of some iron ageg earth works here abouts. Most people, bar the dog walkers probably never even see them. I've known they were there some time but wouldn't go there with the kids.
I'm funny about Yews. I love reading about them. I'm in awe of them. But I'm aware of their toxicity and I always admire from afar. All parts of the Yew are extremely toxic with the exception of the flesh part of their arils.
Until yesterday that is. I had wanted to visit them for a while and yesterday became the time.
My goodness they were beautiful!
I'm a tree kind of person. I have a thing for trees so for me to say that a tree is beautiful is not such a rare thing. But I'm talking about a different kind of beautiful... Something that is only minimally connected to physicality.
Usually if I am trying to sense the spirit within a tree I often find myself looking up, even though logic keeps telling the best place to look is probably down. I stood underneath the Yew tree yesterday and looked neither up nor down, because I didn't have to concentrate to try to find the energy of the tree or make some sort of connection. The trunk of the Yew was so vital, so very alive.
The Yew was almost hypnotising. The ghost-sight/energy vision that the eyes can switch to didn't even need to be employed conciously, the trunk just fizzed with energy. I have never found any tree to be so... alluring, enticing... so vibrant.
The girl who gives Yews a wide physical berth ended up stood there with her palm pressed to the wood. I don't know why, I just couldn't not. The bark of both Yews had been intentially damaged in places, which made me sad and surprised then that the Yews should not be somewhat hostile to my reaching out. In fact it felt rather like the Yew wanted me to reach out as it was so out of character for me (my other half jokingly calls Yews 'poison death tree' because I normally make such a fuss if the children go close to them, and give them such a wide berth).
I think I have read somewhere that Yews have a reputation of 'drugging' those that sit beneath them. I can truly believe it. If I fell asleep beneath that tree I'm in no doubt that I would have some wild dreams.
I held the Yew in fearful awe before, but hold Yew in even greater awe now.

Rat

2011-11-15T11:20:00.000-08:00

I sat by the river this morning, without clocks and time and places I need to be. I just sat there, cold but happy.
I saw lots of life passing by me, but in a way the most notable was the rat. Rats are not particularly loved are they? But I am fascinated by the rats that live on the river bank. They go mostly unnoticed, about their business amongst the tree roots. But I notice them. Not with revulsion or horror, or anything like that. I am curious about them, living their lives amongst us.
I had gone down to the river wanting to watch the rats. There is a spot where it is easy to see them after only a minute or so if you are looking for them. But before I got to that spot I decided to sit down behind a Linden tree, right on the edge of the bank and just... sit a while.
A while turned into quite some time and I decided to stay put rather than go look for the rats on the river bank. A little piece of wonderful right in the town centre, overlooked by nearly everyone walking through with blinkers on.
I heard a 'plop!'. A rat on the far side of the river was slowly but determinedly swimming over to me. The rat came right up to where I was sitting, stayed still a few moments, completely aware of me but unconcerned, then dissapeared into the bank beneath where I sat. I was thrilled to see all of the animals I saw: the Robin and the Jackdaws, the Black-headed Gulls, and Little Grebe; the Coot and Jays and Kingfisher, the Mute Swan and Canada Geese and Mallard; The little unknown fish swimming in the clear chalk river. But it was the rat that made me smile the most.
The animal that most humans dislike. If my home was infested with rats I believe I would feel somewhat differently. But in this situation, the rat made me smile...

Gods of here and gods out there

2011-11-13T01:10:00.001-08:00

I told you in my last post that I had been wondering how/if the gods are part of Gaia, and I've still been thinking about it...
And I think the answer to this question is a grey as the answer to a lot of questions. I think that probably some of the gods we know are part of Gaia, just as we are, just as the rocks and wind, and every manifestation of 'life' that you care to think about, are.
But other gods... I used to speak to the moon a lot, petition the moon to help me and more often than I care to count I looked to the moon to soothe me. Is this energy part of Gaia, or is this energy something else entirely. The energy of the sun is essential to us, but is it an energy apart? The blackness out there, up there above our heads. You can feel it, can't you? But that is not Gaia, that is 'other'. Some energies that we experience are, I think, 'other'. Some gods are of Gaia, some gods are not.
But to consider that some gods are another part of Gaia, another part of ourselves, is illuminating for me. How about you, how does that thought make you feel?

The gods and the world

2011-11-11T00:26:00.000-08:00

I am sure that all of you folks who read this blog are more than aware of James Lovelock's Gaia Hypothesis and it's implications to pagans (I think its implications to pagans is a bit of a thorn in Lovelock's side!).
But I was wondering last night...
We are all systems within systems. A wonderful, awe inspiring thing. But what of the gods?
Are They also part of Gaia?
I find myself asking questions again, about the nature of the Otherworld. To me it has been the reality behind the world we see and intimately connected to the world we see. The More-than world rather than Otherworld I suppose. But is the Otherworld the spiritual reality behind this world, or something more all encompassing, the spiritual reality behind the cosmos? Are the gods 'born' of Gaia or are the gods 'born' of the cosmos? This probably isn't relevant to most people, but I have been thinking a lot about the ways in which we are all connected to each other and everything else and it makes me wonder if the gods are another part of Gaia's dance or if they exist outside of it.
The spirits of place that embody the natural places would seem to be part of Gaia just as we are, and some gods are fuzzily both spirits of place and gods. But what of other gods...
I don't have a clever answer to the question I pose unfortunately, but it's an interesting thing to consider.

Words

2011-11-09T01:17:00.000-08:00

It wasn't easy
to talk like this,
or sit and listen
like it didn't exist.
It wasn't calm
to swallow the air
or sip the water,
or try not to care.
It wasn't prudent
to close my eyes
or bind those visions,
though I tried.
It wasn't safe
to try again,
or bury the poison
and still stay sane.

Poetry for the month...

2011-11-08T00:31:00.000-08:00

I used to write all the time. ALL the time. But now... well I can't remember the last time? Until the end of the month I'm going to write something. Here. Every day. I am out of practise. It will probably all be terrible. But I'm going to do it anyway. :)

In the distance a purple light,
A creeping mist,
An outlived night.
In that rage one raised fist,
One lovers smirk,
One almost tryst.
In that forgotten beat of heart
Two sounds silenced
And fell apart.

... and mostly I doubt anything will be finished. Bear with me, not all my posts will be bad poetry.

Gods in the landscape

2011-11-06T11:13:00.000-08:00

Thankyou all for your comments on my last post.

My understanding of the gods through reading scholarly and history based books has been hard won and so I've been reluctant to abandon that. However it's not really a question of abandoning that understanding, but more about adding a contrasting layer to it. Realising this has made it easier.

I've not been doing anything. No morning prayers, no blessing the hearth (read: oven) fire, no libations. Nothing. But I've been trying to be more aware.
Aware of things like the water as I wash, but from a more animist perspective rather than a just-started-out-pagan persective. I've been seeing the land in my mindseye - how it stretches out to the horizon, rather than what I can see (to the end of the road). Thinking in this way has been interesting.
Firstly, and poignantly, my perception of Rhiannon changes while thinking this way. Rhiannon, tugged and tugged, and then... She vanished. I haven't felt Her pull for a while now. But once I started thinking in this way, I got an impression of Her again. Not as a woman, how I have often imagined Her, but as a horse, as the mare. It invoked a feeling of wind and open spaces, of speed... When I looked at the landscape rather than the stories or the history this is how I found Her.
This attempt at seeing things differently has given me a few questions about Briganti too. I am wondering if I have been calling more than one Person 'Briganti'? Ultimately I'm not sure where this is going, but actually I'm finding it rather more comfortable at the moment.

Ever Frustrated

2011-11-04T01:28:00.000-07:00

Flounder, flounder, flounder...

My little rituals were becoming more like church every Sunday, yet I long for something in their place.
I am probably making a big deal out of nothing.
I have never had an 'on call' kind of relationship with any of the gods, though some have felt more interested in me personally than others and turn up when they feel like it. Yet it seems that now I'm actually feeling more in tune with the energies in the garden and the town (the massive amounts of local history study have helped enormously here), those nameless energies of the plants and lives that are interwoven with my own, that the bigger overview of the gods is harder for me to assimilate into this new (for me) way of thinking.
It seems to me that before I have been experiencing the gods from within myself. And no that does not mean how it sounds from a new-agey perspective but it is hard to describe what I mean. On some level all my experiences have been within this personal bubble, and now that my experiences are more druidy-web-of-life I think that I'm finding it difficult to experience the gods from without. Honestly, could I make that any more opaque??
As I've said before, some of my problem arises from keeping to my own imposed strict timetable and that was strangling any sincerity. But maybe one of my problems was that although it is the growing world that is so magical to me, most of my devotional work was done indoors where I could be private. I'm thinking that this seperation, again self imposed, is where some of my problems arise.
How do I find the gods within the landscape? How do I then honour them appropriately when I do? And actually maybe I'm just not making enough effort to get out there and find them? Having children makes it hard to find time to go wandering off, hence most spiritual work taking place inside. But maybe that is just a weak excuse and I need to make more effort to work around this obstical? Maybe I can find Them with the children?
And another thing... Is prayer an offering?

Hello Winter or Goodbye Summer?

2011-11-03T13:46:00.000-07:00

I have been noticing a lot of bloggers getting ready for winter. Yet when I wander around the garden I notice the tomatoes dying off as the days get colder, the beans yellowing and the last of the flowers going to seed, and I feel more inclined to say goodbye rather than hello. I feel a certain sadness to see the plants completing their life cycles and the perrenials drawing down their energy into the earth. I feel that somehow it's more appropriate for me to be saying goodbye now not hello. I wonder the best way to mark this, or if it needs marking at all except for a sincere farewell?

In and out of the label

2011-11-02T01:48:00.000-07:00

So folks, I thought I would tell you that I've been blogging around. This blog isn't going anywhere. Here is somewhere I am just myself. Over at my new blog I'm focusing on the mummy aspect of myself and basically journalling the kids progress and fun times. I intend to be a little more... accessable (?) over there, a little less anonymous. But I really didn't want these two worlds to collide. I very much doubt this other blog will be of interest to those of you that read this blog, however if you'd like to come across and see me (argh - literally! I was actually foolish enough to put a picture of my FACE as my profile picture!!!) I'd love you to stop by. So here it is:

www.inandoutofthelabel.blogspot.com

Voices from the past...

2011-11-01T04:01:00.000-07:00

Last night I quietly marked Samhain. As I opened my prayer book to find Ceisiwr Serith's ancestors prayer that I like, a brief letter fell out. I had forgotten that I had tucked the letter inside my prayer book and it seemed very fitting that on a night that I sit down to remember my ancestors I am reminded of my great-grandmother in this way...

Reading in September

2011-10-31T00:57:00.000-07:00

I know I said I wouldn't be reading as much this month, but actually it turned out that mostly I just read different kinds of books.

The Secret Life of Plants ~ Peter Tompkins and Christopher Bird
What an amazing book, a real eye opener! Plenty of science, and almost-science, and some off the wall stuff thrown in there. Not at all difficult to follow along and all in all an enjoyable book, perfect for anyone wanting to work with plants from a more spiritual or magical perspective.

The Findhorn Garden
Just Wow. With individual chapters written by different members of the original community, each chapter has its own flavour and some chapters appealed more than others, but as a whole I found this book a massive inspiration. It gives the story of how the Findhorn garden started, the philosphies of the people that became involved with it, and what actually happened up there. How much you believe will of course depend on your levels of scepticism, but this book actually had me walking down the street smiling to myself.

The Magic of Findhorn ~ Paul Harken
After reading the Findhorn Garden I wanted to know more, hence this book. Now plenty of the text covered what I had already read, but there was also more biographical detail about the early founders of the community before it was even a community. And... well these details were less inspirational. These details were actually a little bit uncomfortable in places, smacking of some sort of spiritual brain washing of some of the founders. But though uncomfortable in some of the details, the information was interesting. A little niggle though - the book didn't flow overly well in my opinion, and though it was almost a biography at points there were great big chunks missing. For example: loopy Sheena ran off with the founders eldest child, but Harken doesn't then say how they got the boy back.

Natural Learning and the Natural Curriculum ~ Roland Meighan
A collection of essays written for the Natural Parent magazine, put into book form. As such there are places that are a little repetative, but nothing too annoying. An interesting read for an educator but more so as a parent. I found this book quite an inspiration to reassess how I'm working with the kids, what I'm doing right, what I might be doing wrong. Its main thrust is about what is wrong with our current schooling system in the west.

The Sacred Universe ~ Thomas Berry
Another collection of essays written over a period of time, and I have to confess that I did not read all of them. The format of the book is such that I was able to dip in and read only those essays that appealed to me. Thought provoking writing. I imagine at the time of writing these words would have been revolutionary.

Biodynamic Gardening ~ Hilary Wright
I wanted an overview of the method and this is exactly what I got with plenty of nice, colour photographs and illustrations. As a method I'm still not utterly convinced. I can see that the moon and planets can concievable have an effect upon plants. I am less convinced about the remedies. This is not a downer on the book however, because the book gave me all the information I wanted. And that's what you want from a book on any subject.

Land of the Iceni, the iron age in Northern East Anglia ~ Ed. John Davies and Tom Williamson
A little book about the archaeology of the iron age in Norfolk and north Suffolk. Ok so this isn't a casual read. It's crammed with information as per expected for such a book. You've got to want to know about these things to bother reading :)

Add to that 3 or 4 East Anglian archaeology reports, but it hardly seems worth writing about these in the standard 'book review' type way! They are what they are.

And you, what have you been reading?

Between two extremes

2011-10-26T01:14:00.000-07:00

A little while back I had this big old wobble. Was everything I'd been doing right for me? What was I doing?! I was torn between my love of the gods and a simpler practise without names and dates and...
Over the last few weeks I had come to realise that the two are not mutually exlcusive. The problems arise from me ;) And so I am in a sort of limbo state at the moment. I can be both things but I'm not quite sure how that works right now.
I had imposed all these rules upon myself. I will devote every full moon to Rhiannon, the first of each month to Nehalennia, the dark of the moon to the ancestors, the mornings to Maponus and then blessing the house, I will... I could continue. But in trying to create some sort of practise for myself I was starting to lose the whole point that these activities were trying to achieve. They had started losing their meaning, so I feel I need to be less dogmatic in my approach.
And other changes have effected practise. I figure parafin based candles to honour the gods is really quite **** up. Therefore do I spend money I don't really have and order something kinder on the t'internet, or do I figure out a way to practise without the use of said candles? I figured I would go for the latter but haven't worked out how yet as the flame is so integral to some prayers and practise. Hmmm. Similarly giving up coffee full stop in the mornings because I'm uncomfortable with the quantities of milk I was using (and ethically milk use bothers me). But I was offering some of my coffee to the gods and I haven't yet found a good replacement. Offer the gods some of the water I'm drinking? Not much of an offering is it. And the whole concept of offerings too... I'm struggling with how I fit this into a new form of practise.
I want something a little lighter. Not because the Gods aren't important enough to me, but because they ARE. My devotions have to have a real sense of devotion about them, not going through the motions because the calendar tells me it's the appropriate time of the month or the clock tells me it's the hour. What real meaning does that hold. I need to find a new balance. Right now I have an inability to move further forward than that and so not much is getting done in terms of devotional practise.
Yet more is getting done on a land-based level. I'm making some 'progress' for want of a better word, with the local landscape on a spiritual level. How do I find the gods in the landscape? Do the gods really care about devotions every 'x' weeks at 'x' time of the month?

Dreaming Big

2011-10-24T02:05:00.000-07:00

Is there anything wrong with that?
I have all these ideas that other people tell me have no chance of getting off the ground. I have this idea that I've been feeling out with a few people close to me and they tell me in the nicest possible way that I'm a dreamer. Those are not the exact words they use, but that is what they mean. In that it implies that there is something unrealistic, almost childish in being a dreamer. Isn't that part of the problem we have at the moment? Everyone is so afraid to dream big.
As I said to my other half last night: I would rather try and fail than not bother trying at all.
There's no shame in failure (although it might not always seem that way at the time, I am human!) but there is shame in being too afraid of ridicule or failure to even bother trying.
'Some may call me a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope some day you will joing us...'
I'm in good company at least ;)
I have this idea you see. And compared to some of the things I would like to do, this really is just a tiny-little idea. I see so much potential in the local library, it could be so much more. In my home-town the library is a real community focus for families with small children. The kids section of the library, has books and computers. You know, the usual stuff. But it also has a whole wooden play kitchen, a coat stand of dressing up clothes, puzzles laid out ready on tables, a small wooden playhouse complete with a little family, a bib preten play boat, various animal cushions laid out on the floor. A place for parents and kiddies to meet and play, then grab a book before they head home. The local SureStart uses it an awful lot for various groups and it really is a bright place in the community. It's amazing how much they have managed to cram into the space. I look at my local library and see that it could easily be something like this. I have been thinking about talking to the library manager and some other groups in the community to suggest we could maybe to some fundraising with the aim of edging toward this kind of community focus. A few hundred pounds to buy a play kitchen and some cushions for example - wouldn't take up too much room, and the space could accomodate it with a little careful shuffling, plus I wouldn't be asking anybody to pay for it. How is this dreaming too big? Surely this is one of the more do-able dreams? PLEASE I really want to hear your thoughts on this!

Divination and Communication

2011-10-23T01:30:00.000-07:00

My 'week off' has drawn to a close and normal family life resumes. What a lovely week!
Now if I am to wait until I can percieve a spirit in the garden (call it an elemental, a wight, or whatever) with my eyes or my ears there is a good chance that I'll be waiting a bloomin' long time. While patience is an admirable virtue, I doubt that in this scenario it is going to get me anywhere.
In the middle of the week I decided to use divination cards to try to communicate with the residents of the garden. I admit I was a little unsure if it would work or if I would simply pull out some random cards. The tarot cards would have given a depth of meaning but I'm not good enough at reading them - the conversation would hardly have flowed! So I used my animal cards that i've been reading since I was 15. they're simple to read and I'm comfortable with them.
I shant go into all the details but the results were interesting! I was worried about bringing in soil and manure incase it offended any of the spirits there. But they told me action was needed! They told me the life force was low in the garden. I asked if they wanted a pond. Now even with the animal cards you can take their meaning on different levels. Did they want a pond? They gave me the frog card, and I had to laugh (I often wonder what the neighbours really think of me!).
I was honestly unsure how this would go. Would there be some hostility? Would they even bother to communicate with me at all? But, there you have it :) Some of the answers surprised me, some didn't. But to get a response at all was brilliant!

Outside your front door

2011-10-19T07:29:00.000-07:00

Why go to all this effort? Why bother?
I'm an insomniac. These are the questions my brain throws at me at 2 o'clock in the early hours.
Why do I want to bother with gardening on a spiritual level? Come on Nellie, it's an important question! So while I desperately just wanted to be sleeping instead I found myself thinking on this question.
In essence I want to be closer. The last few weeks have made this clearer in my mind though. The gods and spirits are within the land and experienced through the land. Except that is not quite right. It should read: the gods and the spirits are within the landscape and experienced through the landscape. Because in actuality it is about the soil, and the trees, and the clouds that form high above and the rain that falls from them. It is about the millions of bacteria living in the soil, and the mice and moles that burrow beneath it. It is about the whole expansive experience of the whole landscape and the myriad life forms within it.
That has to start right outside the front door. The life that shares the space that our family lives and breathes within has to be our first port of call rather than some other site it takes 2o minutes to walk to. Only when that relationship with the earth our hearth and home is built upon is strong is there any point in me turning my attention elsewhere. It makes so much more sense to start at the centre.
I have felt in the past like the garden and I is like a case of unrequited love. My wooing is sincere but clumsy and the object of my adoration doesn't not return my love. I have felt like an outsider looking it, loving the garden and the plants but seperate from it. What I really want is to be part of it and belong within that complex web of energies. And that my dear reader is why I am drawn to garden on a more spiritual level.
And if I said that to most of my real-world friends I am fairly certain they would label me up as crazy ;)

A horse for the dogs?

2011-10-18T09:47:00.001-07:00

I've spent an afternoon at the local library reading through an (yes it took me all afternoon just to read 1!) archaeological report of an excavation done in the local area in the mid 90's.
There was an interesting part that excavated two almost parallel curved ditches, the extent of which wasn't mapped as it went outside of the excavation area. The first, and shallowest ditch contained human remains of unknown context. The second, deeper and slighter later curved ditch broadened out, and in the larger space was the skeleton of a horse. The legs had all been placed together alond with the jaw bone of the horse, the spine remained intact though seperate from the skull, and the ribs lay scattered. Evidence of gnawing was found on one of the leg bones, and evidence of butchery on another.
The use or function of these curved ditches is unknown. The report suggests that maybe the horse was cut into sections and left for the dogs to eat, being discarded into the ditch when the body started to rot.
Well, that wasn't quite what I was expecting. This came from a saxon period at a time when the Christian church had banned the eating of horse flesh (no doubt because of its pagan connotations). If a horse skeleton had been found in an iron age ditch would the same conclusion have been drawn?
I was reading the report avidly, and then... given to the dogs? Oh... really? That would be a dissapointing conclusion. Why go to the bother of puting all the legs together? If a horses body had been used this way to feed the dogs wouldn't they have made off with the bones to chew them in contented quiet? Am I fooling myself trying to pick holes in this argument? ;)
What do you think?

Gods or Devas - a question of perspective?

2011-10-18T04:08:00.000-07:00

I have spent the morning devouring 'The Findhorn Garden'. My interest in the spiritual aspect of plants is long standing but it has never felt like the right time until recently. So I have only just gotten around to ordering this book from the library.
I had read about Findhorn on the internet and as mentions in books, and always I have had this difficulty with the word 'deva'. Similarly I have never liked the term 'plant angels', and even 'plant spirit' is rather unsatisfactory. I've taken to using the term plant wights as it is so much less emotive and without the same connotations.
'The Findhorn Garden' talks about plant devas in some depth, with a whole section devoted to various communications from specific devas. While I was reading it struck me that this might not be so much a question of semantics but a question of viewpoint. When Dorethy talks of a rain deva and a landscape deva for example it strikes me that the Celtic peoples I've been studying would probably have understood what she was talking about.
There is a story that when the Gaulish Celts attacked Delphi they laughed at the idea of portraying gods in human form, and it is believed that before the Roman influence came along the celtic peoples used symbols for their gods.
Take Taranis for example: The Thunderer. In the roman period He is shown as a bearded fellow carring a wheel. In all likelihood all the celts ever needed to portray Taranis was the wheel. He was (is) the Thunderer, the thunder, the force that shakes the heavens. He is that force. Would Dorethy have called Him the thunder deva I wonder? I think she would have.
It makes me view what I have learnt and what I want to learn in a whole new light. I still don't like the term 'deva' although its meaning of 'shining one' seems a sensible description to me. Coincidentally the Findhorn Garden book almost shouts out everything I wrote yesterday about the Sleeping God (albeit with a rather more Christian framework!) that has also given me food for thought.

The Sleeping God

2011-10-17T08:51:00.001-07:00

In these last few weeks I've been learning more about animism and have been devouring the contents of the postpagan and adventures in animism blogs that focus on bioregional animism. I find myself nodding along, eager to read more. In the last few days it has had me thinking more about the Sleeping God.
I have this notion of the Sleeping God, much similar to many creation myths around the world. The Sleeping God was spirit, was soul, was everything, then BOOM! big bang and the Sleeping God tore themselves apart and created all that is, both matter and the spirit that preceeds and shapes matter. Now that God sleeps within all that is, that spark which animates, which creates. The Sleeping God is the nature of the unity amongst us all.
It is this that I keep thinking of as I read the words of people who identify themselves as animists. I keep thinking of the Sleeping God. I didn't come up with this notion, but the name I give it is my own. The Sleeping God expresses perfectly how I see the nature of things. Sleeping... and if the scientist are right the universe will eventually stop expanding and start contracting, and then Bam! Maybe the God will awaken...
The planets and stars, the trees and glaciers, the spirits of the land and the deities I honour, I see them all as being born of the Sleeping God, as am I. That is not to say I think I am god-like. I do not. I am human. I am as different from the plants growing in the soil as I am different to a god, but at the same time there is this spark that is common to everything in the universe.
I felt the urge to write this down suddenly...

Where ever you will go

2011-10-15T15:06:00.000-07:00

So lately, been wondering
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone you'll need love
to light the shadows on your face
If a great wave shall fall yeah fall upon us all
Then between the sand and stone could you make it on your own.

CHORUS:
If I could, then I would
I'd go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low,
I'd go wherever you will go

And maybe, I'll find out
A way to make it back someday
To-wards you, to guide you,
through the darkest of your days
If a great wave shall fall yeah fall upon us all
Well then I hope there's someone out there
who can bring me back to you
CHORUS
If I could, then I would
I'd go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low, I'd go wherever you will go

Run away with my heart
Run away with my hope
Run away with my love

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, in your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time

CHORUS
If I could, then I would
I'd go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low, I'd go wherever you will go

Whenever I hear this song it actually makes me cry. Ever since my big boy was a small boy this song has made me think of him, and how I would always be here to protect him and help him if I could.
I heard this song on X-Factor tonight and sat there crying listening to the words.

Living authentically

2011-10-15T14:38:00.000-07:00

Why do we read other people's blogs? Why do you?
For me, I am drawn to the blogs and the people that are trying to figure it out, just like I am. But the blogs I read avidly are written by folks who seem to have genuinely got there - they have found a way of living authentically. I read to discover how other people have managed to allow their beliefs, their ethics, to inhabit their lives. I can't copy what they do and how they do it, but I can take a belief from their words that I can do it too.
Living what you believe is hard. Sometimes it takes courage, sometimes it takes money. Sometimes it might be lonely. Those are all simply words and don't really describe what I mean at all. Those words sound hollow.
The aim for me, and maybe for you too, is to live authentically. But life is full of choices and sometimes your only options are all out of whack with the life you would choose in an ideal world. I think though that accepting your limitations can only be a positive thing.
I cannot save the world or start a revolution. I cannot be superwoman or a domestic goddess or Mary-bloody-Poppins, however much I want to be. I think to start living authentically you have to look these facts in the face. To live authentically sometimes you come face to face with some ugly truths about yourself.
Lately I've had a knee jerk reaction to a situation and I am quite distressed by my own reaction. I don't want to be that person. I have always been one of the least judgemental people you will ever meet... the thoughts that have been clattering around my head have made me ashamed of myself. These thoughts are coming from a place of anger and fear and vulnerability on my part. Squaring up to them and challenging them and trying to move past them is something I'm finding difficult.
This is why I say living authentically is difficult.

The cold...

2011-10-09T05:31:00.001-07:00

Despite the winter being a difficult time for my anxiety as soon as the chill sets in I feel a fierce joy in my breast. The grey skies, the chill air and the starlings dancing at dusk, they all fill me up. I get unexpected flash backs of other times the frigid air was just so, of when the brillant wintery sunshine blinds, of the clear open skies. Flash backs so intense that I can hardly distinguish between me now and me then.

PROJECT: Forest

2011-10-04T07:52:00.000-07:00

Today I enlisted the help of the children and started a project that I have been thinking about for YEARS. PROJECT: Forest
:)
We gathered seeds from Hawthorn, Whitebeam, Oak and Beech, and we have tucked them into little pots of compost. When they grow we will give them away to anyone who wants them. I'm fairly certain that the local schools will take a few off our hands, and I can maybe persuade the council to let me plant a few in public spaces if I have saplings left over. Local shops have spaces for free advertising of 'for sale' item and I figure 'free' fits in just as well.
PROJECT: Forest is go!
4 species is not much but it is a start and we will soon add to the little collection. Now wish me luck for eventual germination and community uptake! It may take 2 to 3 years for some species to germinate so this really is going to take quite a while to see any results, but I intend to keep a record on this blog of how it goes. Who knows, if it goes well maybe other people will do the same thing.
We need more trees.

Reading...

2011-10-03T11:13:00.000-07:00

Better late than never - Septembers reading.

Eating the Sun - Oliver Morton
How to describe this book? It's packed full of science, and I maybe kept up with 50% of it, but my how beautifully this guy writes! His use of language is engaging and quite honestly handsome. A worthy read for this alone! The subject of this book is the process by which plants turn sun light into energy and all the scientific discoveries that led to our knowledge of this process. The scientists behind the discoveries become alive and breathe colour into the equation. I loved this book even though my brain had to work hard to keep up.

Secrets of East Anglian Magic - Nigel Pennick
This is a little book to either read from beginning to end, or if you like just to dip into as you please. It flows nicely to read as a whole but each sections stands up on its own. This is a very interesting book, crammed full of infomation, with a bibliography at the end but no detailed references which I would have dearly liked. I can't say that I would always make the same assumptions as Pennick from the information presented but I greatly admire his passion for his subject. A few pieces of information I have been unable to verify, but still an interesting book full of folklore and customs.

The Spirit of Trees - Fred Hageneder
I'm a big fan of Fred Hageneder's books. This appears to me to be a more personal piece of work than his other books I have read. The book starts with some personal background and gives a general overview of the botany concerned. The book then goes on to cover a whole range of trees found in the northern hemisphere and looks at the botany and folklore of each. While I did enjoy this book it certainly isn't my favourite of Hageneder's.

Celtic Gods - Miranda Green
Another great book from Miranda Green, almost as great as Celtic Goddesses. This book is not a male focused equivelant of Celtic Goddesses though and the books do not need to be read as a pair. As usual Green gives much to think about. This book is a great resource for making your own connections or for learning the subject matter from scratch. Quite a few nice photographs and picture to. Recommended :)

Creative Vegetable Gardening - Joy Larkham
I've been reading this again. I love this book, what more can I say. I can sit and while away the time dipping in and gazing at the beautiful pictures.

Refocusing...

2011-10-03T07:43:00.000-07:00

Since the beginning of the year I have read lots of books. Lots. I've learnt more than I would have thought, and it's been a good thing. But it feels like a change is coming. Something... something is changing, I can feel it.
I cannot muster the enthusiam for books at the moment. I have a stack of library books as usual, books that were on my 'list'. But now I have no particular desire to read them. I suspect my period of book-learning is coming to a close for now. I've had a big old dose of history for 9 months... a sweetly fitting period of gestation! Now I sense it is time for a different approach, a quieter approach maybe. It's time to feel my way for a little while instead of thinking my way.
Mr Nellie and I have been making plans for the garden. In past years I have brought loads of seeds and planted them with much enthusiasm. This winter I am going back to the basics that should have been dealt with first. This winter I'm going to focus on the fertility and structure of the garden, and forming a relationship with the garden spirits. I have been becoming increasingly more CR. This is not to say CR is a bad thing at all, I've found it inspiring. But I am not a CR and I have lost my way in it a little bit. The garden is my way of refocusing. It's ironic that I feel that as part of refocusing I need to broaden my thinking a little bit.

Thankyou

2011-10-03T00:48:00.000-07:00

To those of you that commented on my last past I wanted to say thankyou. Your comments were all personal ones and so I decided not to publically post them.
Thankyou all for your supportive words.
Thanks especially to Moon Daughter ~ I took your advice and it helped so much.
Love to you all xx

A terrible thing.

2011-10-01T13:44:00.001-07:00

This thing happened yesterday. At the park.
A man grabbed my son around the throat. I am mortified. I didn't see. I was around the other side of the play equipment... trying to give them some space and not hover over them every minute...
My son grabbed a little boys hat. It's a game the kids sometimes play at the park. My son didn't even know where his hat was a one point. The father of the boy saw this as a good reason to put his hand around my son's throat.
My little boy came crying to me, trying to tell me what had happened. Did he say this guy hit him? Nipped him? I couldn't make it out. I asked this man, 'did you hit him?' He said no.
I took my son to one side, checked for any marks on him. No marks. The guy came over to us again, insisted he only grabbed my son by the arm to get his childs hat back. My son kept touching his neck and collar bone area. This man was very intimidating, very muscled. He'd have scared me. He did intimidate me. His words were that my son was bigger than his. He, the muscled man, was a whole lot bigger than my little boy who had done very little harm at all. I aked him to move away from us, that he was scaring my son.
I decided to leave this part of the park. As I left another mother came over to me and asked if I was with the muscled man. She told me the reason my son was so upset was because this man had got him by the throat against the play equipment.
I was shaking with rage, impotence and failure. Almost in tears. As this mother was telling me what had happened to my son we looked over to see that the man was leaving the park. Some of the mothers were suggesting I go after him. Some suggesting I ring the police.
I didn't call the police because I knew by the time they got to the park this man would be long gone. I didn't go after him either, because I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to do.
I didn't know what to do.
This man hadn't hurt my son I don't think, but he had badly scared him and this man had acted abominally. But I just didn't know what to do about it.
I called my partner and asked him to come to meet us at the park. By this point my son was acting fine and playing on the climbing frames with his friends but I was finding it difficult not to break down in tears. While I waited for my partner to arrive I took the name and number of the mother who witnessed this so that I could give it to the police. I knew that the police would tell me there was nothing they could do but also knew that I would report it anyway, because I had to do something. I had failed to protect or defend my son and had to at least do something.
My little boy seems fine now and has shown no indication that the event is bothering him. That I am thankful for, his resiliance always amazes me.
I can't stop accusing myself though. I should have done something. Something like ripping the guys head of. I should have listened with more confidence to what my little boy was trying to tell me. I feel so guilty at my impotence, my utter impotence.
The police did say, as expected that there wouldn't be much they could do without a name, but I knew that would be the case. Victim support called the house today to ask how we both are. And I said we are fine. And I think we are. My boy is, which is what is important. I keep thinking about it though. Wondering what I would do if I saw the guy again. Wondering what I could do. Wondering if I would be so useless all over again. I want to tell my son I am so, so sorry for letting this happen. But I don't want to remind him of it.
This, here, is my therapy.

The danger of consonants

2011-10-01T00:26:00.001-07:00

What good would it do
If I gave you a word? Why
Would you want it anyway?
Are you seduced by that silky
Smooth 'o'?
Or is it that sensuous curl at the end
That lingers but rarely delivers?
It's a word full of thorns,
All edges and angles, but it lures
You in with those sweet vowels
Like a toffee to roll around your tongue
Until you bite.
Then it binds and intrudes.
It irritates and erodes.

This time of year...

2011-09-28T07:57:00.000-07:00

I have been clearing the garden, with the help of my little people. It's that time again, for clearing out those plants that have withered, and generally tidying things up.
Next year will be interesting. I will be trying to grow the things that the garden wants to grow rather than what I want to grow. Luckily for me there is some common ground. The garden happily sustains peas and beans, and it is these home grown veggies that we use most of any way.
This year the broad beans produced wonderfully, and the french beans were honestly the best I have ever tasted. Fabulously the hyacinth beans worked their socks off to catch up with their poor start and have set a good amount of pods which will provide the seeds for next year. The calendular, achocha, asparagus peas, red flax, nigella and love-lies-bleeding were all happy enough in the garden. I'm rather looking forward to focusing on what the garden wants to grow. Next year I have a few seeds that I wouldn't even have normally picked up: pretty hollyhocks, perrenial sweetpeas, some beautiful cathedral bells...
I have moved all of the strawberry plants over the last few days, so that they line the paths around the garden. I imagine that this will look rather pretty next summer, maybe edged with some oak leaved salad plants, which are rather handsome looking. I've also been weeding out the weakest of the raspberry canes which have lost much of their vigour. I'm hoping for healthier plants next year.
Already I am starting to think where best to site various plants, hence the flurry of activity moving various perrenials about. The lovely flirtatious little geranium I was so in love with at the begining of the summer has been moved to a place where its beautiful flowers can be appreciated without various contortions of the body, ready to be adored next summer. The lemon balm has been moved so that it no longer crowds the gooseberry bush and hopefully both plants will be happier for it.
No matter the dissapointments the garden always lures me back ;)

After anxiety...

2011-09-25T01:19:00.000-07:00

Is there an 'after anxiety'?
It has been about 3 and a half years since I really managed to break free of the thought patterns that were terrorizing me. But it never really goes away.
My big boy has always been a sickly child, and though his immune system seems to be much stronger now than once it was the colder months are always germ ridden ones. During the height of my anxiety problem all that he had to do was cough and there would be an instantaneous knot of panic in my stomach.
See, my whole life was governed by my panic and fear. If I sunk so deep into that again I would like to think that I would go to the doctor but at the time I had an irrational fear that if I did then 'they' would think I wasn't fit to parent and... my life was filled with expectations of the worst case scenario. I was a mess.
But it hasn't gone. I control it, for the most part, fairly successfully now. Most times it doesn't control my life any longer. When I do feel it, building inside my chest, it scares me. Scares me because I know where it will lead me to if I don't fight it.
I've had my first small bout of the season and I find I'm not much good for anything afterwards. It is was suggestion of anxiety rather than the full blown depths of it. It takes time to get pulled to those depths. I'm under no illusions any more - I don't imagine this will ever go away. I kind of marvel that Mr. Nellie stuck with me as he only knew me for a few months before I transformed into a nervous wreck. I wasn't easy to deal with by a long shot, but he stuck with me on the strength of those first few months. Rather pleased he did. And now he sees when it hits me, I don't have to tell him... and it helps.
I'm not cowed by it. I might cry like a baby afterwards and have no energy, but I don't feel sorry for myself any more that this is my life. In the grand scheme of things life could be a lot worse. In the grand scheme of things I'm one of the lucky folk. On of the things that anxiety has given me is this awareness. I count my blessings.
All of them, down to the smallest.

Right now, I'm listening to the Beach Boys and I'm thankful. It's cheesey. You could pull it straight out of a life coaching kinda book. But it's true. All those tiny moments of happiness, I don't take them forgranted. Anxiety gave me that.

Beauty and connection

2011-09-22T11:33:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about what it is that connects us to a landscape.
My dad, despite finding my tendancies to leaving offerings to gods and spirits and the like rather ridiculous (in the nicest possible way he is able), informed much of what was to later become my pagan spirituality. Camping trips to various spots around the British Isles filled me with awe for the landscape that eventually and sublimally became some thing more. It was all beautiful.
But beauty does not equal connection to the landscape.
When I was 17 I took part in an expedition to the Canadian rockies for 3 weeks as part of my gold Duke of Edinburgh award. It was a place of beauty on a scale that captures the breath from your lungs... But for most of that 3 weeks I was rather sad. Sad because despite appreciating all that beauty I could make no connection with the landscape around me. I wanted to but it simply wasn't there.
I remember trying to articulate this to a teacher-cum-friend of the time, and feeling relieved that he was having similar feelings. At the time I wasn't even consciously aware of the ability to form a connection with a landscape, but I felt immediately when it was not there. I had taken a connection with the landscape as a given, as if all you need to do is be present in a place.
Being present in a place is not enough. Appreciating the beauty of a place also is not enough. Certainly not on its own.
How a connection to the land comes about is magical in that it is almost impossible to put your finger on it. Saying what a connection to the land is not is far easier than saying what it is. Maybe it is the way it should be. Language is a wonderful thing but sometimes words cannot capture the essence of something.
The land does not belong to us.
We belong to the land.
Saying it and really getting it are significantly different. We've gotten it all upside down. However much we parcel divisions of land up, buy it and sell it, is totally irrelevant. When all is said and done we can never own the land, it is a convenient illusion of our culture.
The land claims us, not the other way around.

Offering accepted...

2011-09-22T03:25:00.000-07:00

It looks pretty bare doesn't it.

It wasn't last night. Last night it was loaded up with buttered toast and milk. This is the small space in my garden that is set aside for making offerings to the wights in the garden. A few weeks back I had decided that this was the best way to develop a relationship with them and so now this my place to interact with them. Hopefully. It is sparse, as so many of my devotional spaces are.

To my chargrin the materials are not local but what I had laying around from various old garden projects. The flint though, upon the bricks is an important focal point for me. Not because it is pretty, but because it is the essence of the land here. The soil is full of flint. Small chips, large chunks and everything in between. It's the only real naturally occuring stone here abouts, though a little further afield you will find carstone. The flint is off this place.

Today the offerings are gone. Completely vanished without a sign they were ever there. No doubt it was the bird that enjoyed it but I am still pleased and decide to take it as a good sign :)

Why Celtic?

2011-09-21T14:19:00.000-07:00

Without gracelessly bumbling around for too many words it is fair to say that my thoughts concerning ‘where I’m at’ have been rattling around for a little while now. Things I was sure of I am no longer, and things I had never even thought to consider have been as aggravating as an itch between the shoulder blades.
It struck me that even though I am not a celtic reconstructionist, my methodology at least has been leaning towards that. And I suddenly wondered, why? Why Celtic for a start? Is this where I consciously decided to head? No. So why Celtic, why have I ended up where I have? Did I just accidentally fall into it without even thinking? It seems a kind of slap-dash way to approach your spirituality if that was the case. The children have a few days at my mums and I find I have time to devote to thinking about some of these things.
Did I accidentally land here? Re-wind a decade and I had absolutely no interest in Celtic deities, save of course for Rhiannon. I had no interest at all in a Celtic inspired path. If anything I was hazily wiccan-esque and hadn’t even encountered the term ‘hard polytheism’ let alone formed any sort of opinion on it. I adored Greek mythology and had done ever since childhood, but I never thought that it would inform my spiritual path even though I had (and still have) a yearning to visit the ancient temples of Greece.
Today I am heavily influenced by Celtic Reconstructionist Paganism and most of my reading material is about Celtic and Roman society but I wanted to just hit pause and consider if this is my conscious decision. Again, the same question: Why Celtic? Why not Greek? Or Heathen? Or any other particular path you might care to name? What is it that I have found from a Celtic inspired path that I like so much?
I realised that it is not so much ‘Celtic’ that I am in love with. It is the history that ties us to the land. There is no unbroken tradition to trace back into prehistory, but each colourful episode in the history of the British Isles is a part of the whole. The land has borne, witnessed and wrapped itself around the peoples that have lived here. The land and the people are intimately intwined, we are part of one another. The peoples that have lived here belong to the land. History, land and people are so very intimately woven together that they form a whole. I realised it is not so much the Celtic that I am reaching out for, but that enigmatic thread that binds us to the land and binds us to history. I’m reaching out for a spirituality that is embedded within the land.
The reason I haven’t read so much anglo-saxon material is because I want to get a firm understanding of the Celtic period first. I have joined Heathen forums and hardly said anything at all because I instinctively feel that I don’t belong there. But anglo-saxon customs and religion will certainly inform my own because it is embedded in the land I live and breathe upon and within. It leaves me saying I am not exclusively Celtic... Nor am I a Heathen... I think maybe there is a difference between being eclectic and following some sort of folk spirituality that reflects the history and the land you live upon, which must necessarily have a local flavour. Is ‘folk spirituality’ even a real term??
This is, I think, where I want to be going and how I ended up here.
A spirituality that is embedded within the land - a product of the past and continuing interactions between people and place... That is what I want. My folk spirituality (I’m putting a patent on the term if it isn’t in use already!) might look considerably different to the practise of a guy living in Cumbria but the underlying philosophy behind it might be the same.
‘Embedded’. This is my word of the moment.

Nantosuelta's shrine

2011-09-21T07:10:00.001-07:00

(Click on the image if you'd like to see the drawings more clearly... by no means compulsory ;-) )

Too many gods?

2011-09-19T10:30:00.001-07:00

I have 7 small shrines in the house. They really are small, consisting of just a few items each and they look nothing like your typical 'pagan' altar. But how much is too much? My shrines are for Briganti, Nehalennia, the Ancestors, Nantosuelta, Rigantona, Maponus and Lugus. But I have plans to put aside some space for both Rosmerta and Nodens in the near future.

But how does all this work as a whole? Can I have meaningful connections to so many deities? By trying to honour them all do I make it all less meaningful? As part of that, how much is enough? With the exception of Maponus and Briganti most of my devotional work is monthly. Is this enough to foster a relationship?

I have been wondering if I need a change of approach when it comes to my devotional spaces. Is it maybe better to have one space that I set up as it is appropriate? But then I rather like my devotional spaces... Then again there is a danger that they somewhat start to take over the house!

My title is somewhat misleading. It's not as if I'm about to start rationing myself or some such, but I just need to figure out a working spirituality.

What do you seek?

2011-09-19T01:58:00.000-07:00

You know how it is in blogland, certain posts do the rounds, as it were.

I read a post yesterday by Juniper that really got me thinking, about how much hard work this devotional stuff is. She talks about the time and effort involved to gain anything from the gods and spirits.

The reason this really got me to thinking is that my first thought was that I don't ask for anything from the gods. Now this is not strictly true on closer inspection. But the things I ask for are the deceptively small things. In my day to day devotional prayers I ask for the wellbeing and safety of my family and home. But I have always been reluctant to approach the gods because I want something. It has always felt rude somehow, because I only ask for help from people I know really, really well, and only then when I really, really need to.

There have been two times that I can recall when I have reached out to a deity for help. Neither time was during any sort of formal set up. Both came at times of extreme emotion when I felt I simply could not solve my problems alone.

The first time I was heartsick. I felt my relationship with my big boy crumbling. A distance was growing between us and I just didn't know how to make it better and I instictively reached out. Within a week circumstances conspired to have to set us on the road that brought us to home schooling the big boy. I can't even begin to describe how thankful I am for that.

The second time was during the very stressful transition from school to home, just afterwards, and again I reached out during an emotional low for comfort. I was comforted. Whether this was psychological is irrelevant to me.

So the question I asked myself is what do I seek from a relationship with the gods? Then, I wondered am I going plain wrong? Should I be spending less time with my books? What is it that I seek? I think think this is a fundemental question that I have failed to really ask myself.

It has exacerbated some feelings I've been having for a few weeks, that somehow I am missing something. The point maybe.

Connection has always been the point for me, yet I know that I hold back. I always hold back and there is such a thing as being too cautious. Now, does connection have to have some motive? Maybe the point I have been missing is that connections are formed on some common ground. I listen out for the gods but I suppose I have been saying very little myself. If I tried to form friendships this way it would be incredibly hard work to arrive at anything meaningful.

So what do I seek? I don't really know, but maybe I do need more substance.

What do you seek from a relationship with the gods?

Hurrah for the hyacinth bean..!

2011-09-14T07:49:00.001-07:00

The little beauties have flowered the prettiest purple flowers, much like a vivid sweetpea, and have manage to set a dozen pods that have reached a nice size. Fingers crossed I'll be able to sucessfully save the seed :)

I like weeds...

2011-09-14T00:31:00.000-07:00

We had various family members over last weekend for my little fella's 3rd birthday. It was a busy weekend and we needed to take Monday off to recover ;)

Amongst other children-based funnies, something that tickled me was the reaction to my weeds from our family. They were out there pulling 'em up LOL!

See, I've got no beef with weeds. I leave half of them just where they are. Some are rather pretty, some are helping out the soil and plenty are just covering up a bare spot the way nature intends. The garden is now at a low. Most of what I planted this year has come up or has gone to seed for next year. The wind has also battered the garden and many plants are laying down or listing. The weeds are just doing their job of protecting the soil. Nature doesn't like bare soil.

I pull weeds up when they need to be pulled up, not simply 'because'. If they are blocking the light for other plants they get pulled up or snipped back if I can get away with it. I may not be using a particular plant but there may be various other beasties that are and I try to respect that.

Right next to my front door is a flower bed. In this flower bed is a plum tree in a pot, a mass of sunflowers, mint, an escaped potato plant and thistles. People generally think I've been slack not pulling out the thistles, but honestly I want them there! I think they're rather pretty :)

Spam...

2011-09-13T08:48:00.001-07:00

Now how annoying is this?

When I was about 16 I visited Avebury with my parents and I bought a book there about the ancient British Goddesses. I still have this book. Before I was directed to the Caer Feddwyd forum I discovered that the writer of this little book had a website. I was ernestly seeking others who might worship Rhiannon, and trying to gather as much real information as I could.

The book and therefore the author talked of Rhiannon but I couldn't find any sources for the information that was given despite how hard I tried. So instead, with such sweet naivity, I emailed the author on the address on their website and asked if they could point me toward some sources they had used so I could start to learn more myself.

The reply I recieved was dissapointing. Instead of any sources (which I now realise couldn't be forthcoming as nearly everything the author had written on Rhiannon must have been UPG because there are no sources which back up the authors words), instead of sources I got pointed towards signing up for a retreat to learn all about Rhiannon the Goddess of Love. I didn't sign up.

What is more annoying though is now I get spammed. The latest is an email to sign up for training to be a priestess of Rhiannon. I can't politely say what crossed my mind. Let's just say I'm peeved.

Reassessment...

2011-09-06T00:47:00.000-07:00

The paediatrician was as wonderful as I predicted and we have an appointment next week to take the big boy in for a complete reassessment going back to square one as if he has never been assessed before.

I am so grateful to have a doctor who listens to my concerns rather than brushing them off.

ADHD and Autism can present similar outward factors and there is quite a lot of over lap between the two, not to mention many children often present ADHD with one or two other difficulties. I'm not so fussed about a diagnosis but my reading has me sure that his sensory issues need to be addressed and I really do think he will benefit from some sort of occupational therapist input. The big boy is already under the care of O.T but it has been from a point of view of working on his coordination and balance (which from what I have read is part of sensory integration issues too).

To say I am looking forward to the appointment would be the wrong way of putting it, but I am feeling happy that we are making some progress. The paediatrician is doing a complete reassessment and will follow up with a proper observation of the big boy. I cannot ask for more.

Shortening days...

2011-09-05T00:40:00.000-07:00

Can you feel it?

The last week or so my body has been noticing. The first thing I notice is a reluctance to get out of bed in the early hours. The seasons are changing and my bodily rhythms have to change with it. If I ignore it I end up with a mild variation of depression.

IN the summer, I can get up at five in the morning and all is well with the world. If I try it in the winter things do not go so well. Today I have had to acknowledge that summer really is on the way out and re-set my alarm for 6.30. Gradually over the next few weeks it will get a little later, then a little more so. It's the way my body always responds to shortening days.

I'm anticipating the winter with a little more relish than is usual for me. Winter is normally a low point, when I am most susceptable to relapses into anxiety again. But I'm tentatively hoping this year will be different. With the lack of school runs I can take the winter at my own pace. And if the roads dissapear for weeks under snow, I don't have to go out in it 3 or 4 times a day... I'm almost looking forward to the winter, like I once did as a child.

The Mothers...

2011-09-04T06:34:00.001-07:00

I'm so very pleased with how this drawing for one of my shrines turned out. So pleased I wanted to share it :)

Food of the ancestors...

2011-09-02T05:11:00.000-07:00

One vegetable that grows for me, the most hopeless of gardeners, is the broad bean.

Ah, beautiful broad bean. I grew crimson flowering beans this year, which were stunning, but even the old faithful aqua dulce are lovely with their purple spotted flowers.

Broad beans are one of the crops known to have been eaten way back into the iron age in Britain. They are also the beans beloved of the children in the story of the Green Children of Woolpit. In 'Secrets of East Anglian Magic' Nigel Pennick says that the broad bean was considered a plant of the otherworld and that the flowers were considered to hold some part of the departed human spirit. Pennick says that broad beans were traditionally eaten at a wake. This connection with the otherworld is particularly interesting in relation to the story of the Green Children of Woolpit, and maybe is another indication that the story is indeed about two children from the otherwold. I would dearly love to know where Pennick gets this information from. A bibliography is included in the book but not detailed references. Pennick also credits this plant with protective qualities, saying it will keep evil at bay. The book also says that sleeping in a bean field will bring on terrifying visions or possibly madness.

All very interesting...

Wholesome...

2011-09-01T01:04:00.000-07:00

This is the term a lovely lady used to me recently...

And, yes, life is 'wholesome' at the moment. It hasn't always been so when things are so peaceful, so close to perfect, the dark times throw the present into stark clarity.

'Wholesome'. Yes. Hectic, yes. Noisy, most of the time. Arguments a-plenty. But we go at our own pace. The big boy is utterly perplexed by numbers. Mr Nellie reminded me last night not to worry about this - this is why we decided to homeschool, so that he can travel at his own pace. I need putting back on track some times ;)

Truly, after my period of doubting we are back on track. Yesterday we coloured maps and flags, read lots of books about the Little Red Train, helped the librarian tidy the kids section of the library, and spent a leisurely hour or two digging in the garden. Today we have a mini field trip to investigate different types of homes, a play date with a friend, baking and more reading on the agenda. We take our time. It's nice. I sit and listen to the children laughing... they're usually up to no good but they are laughing.

A friend was talking about moving her child to a different school because of some difficulties, and mentioned that she didn't know how she would manage to get her child to the school further away with work and every thing else. My first instinct was to jump in and offer to help, but I bit my lip. I feel dreadfully selfish for not offering to help (though I know that isn't why she was telling me) but I bit my lip. We're doing more than home educating the kids here, we're creating a lifestyle - one that I hope will fill my children with wonderful memories of their childhood. I have to give that priority even over helping a friend. The minute I start running around back and forwards to a school again it throws our whole lifestyle out the window. This too, made me realise how much I value this time, RIGHT NOW.

Reading...

2011-08-30T23:22:00.000-07:00

Now if you're not the kind of person who likes reading about books then it's time to close the window. I however enjoy this kind of post :)

August has been a month for reading. Every spare moment has been given to it - while cooking tea, in the bath, over seeing art activities ;)

History of Norfolk - Susanna Wade

In truth I shouldn't really be putting this on the list as I didn't finish it. It was an old book, and even with my limited knowledge it became apparant rather early on that the actual information inside the book was a bit dated. It was for this reason that I never finished the book. Maybe there's a newer edition?

East Anglian Archaeology report 4

So I found this on the shelves in the library and it really was rather interesting. Again the information was quite dated by now. It was put together in the 70's since which time I know other interesting discoveries have been made. This didn't detract at all though because it was still very interesting reading.

Ten Things Every Child with Autism Wishes You Knew - Ellen Notbohm

I read this twice this month. TWICE. Because it is awesome, because it sent so many lightbulbs flashing in my mind. So many little things I know are odd but never generally think about concerning the big boy were highlighted in my book. I finished thinking 'wow, that sure would explain a whole lot...' It's a wonderful, positive book. Imediately accessable to the reader, nicely written and full of good honest information. It's an inspiring book, so much so I'll probably end up buying a copy so I can read it over and over. That's how much of an impact this book has had.

The Green Mantle - Michael Jordan

A book about our lost knowledge of plants. I was really looking forward to reading this... and, hmm. It wasn't quite what I was expecting, but that can't really count as a critism of the book itself. The plants and subjects covered were fairly standard. I learnt a few new things but the book didn't stand out for me. The author looks at a wide range of cultures and the usual suspects are in there: opium poppy, cannabis, nicotine etc. The mention of every part of the Yew being poisonous I am unsure of. According to Ken Fern in Plants for a Future every part of the Yew with the exception of the flesh of the berry around the seed is poisonous (though the seed itself is poisonous too). A mere detail but one that stood out to me. If I wrote a reading list, I doubt I would place this book on there, but it was ok.

The Stolen Childhood and other stories - Carol Ann Duffy

Ok, this is a childrens book of short, dark fairy tales. I thumbed through out of interest and couldn't put the book down until I had read it all. I love Duffy's poetry anyway which is why I had ordered some of her books from the library for the kiddies, and this tiny little book was a gem. Dark fairy tales indeed. Perfectly formed little pieces of wonder. Honestly, find it and read it, and wonder!

Ancient Celts - Barry Cunliffe

Cunliffe is an authority, what more is there to say? Informative, but not light reading. There is a great section that puts celtic culture into context with what is happening elsewhere across the continent at the time. I had to keep cross referencing who all the other groups of people were to keep up though, which is to bash my own learning and not the book!

Quest for the Shaman - Miranda and Stephen Aldhouse-Green

This book looks for evidence of Shamanic practise from more or less the birth of human kind. It's main focus is archaeology, though the authors do often compare to modern tribes practising Shamanism now or in the recent past. It was an interesting read but I do think sometimes the evidence is stretched a bit too far. It is filled with 'maybe's' as such a book must necessarily be, but I do think the evidence was sometimes a wee bit tenuous? A great bibliography in the back though!

Everyday Life of the Pagan Celts - Anne Ross

Another old book, so again some of the infomation has dated a little, but this is still a fabulous little book. It is clearly written and concise. A compact overview of the celtic culture, in as much as we know of it. A really great book that I wish I had read when I first began. This one would make it on a reading list ^_^

Celtic Goddesses - Miranda Green

Fabulous book! I'm not sure I agree with everything the author wrote about some of the goddesses (or not depending on who you ask) but it doesn't detract from what a gold mine of information this book was for me. The information on Rosmerta, Nantosuelta, Sulis and Nehalennia in particular helped me to make my own connections and understand things that I hadn't before. Green didn't give me my answers, but her book gave me the info I needed to draw my own conclusions and so I was super pleased to have read this book. This one would make it on the list too!

The White Queen - Phillipa Gregory

Finally I got around to reading some fiction! I love Phillipa Gregory's historical novels. I can't comment on how historically accurate they are because I don't know, especially concerning this period in history. But I can tell you how much I enjoy her novels and this one is no exception, though it isn't my favourate. She paints a vivid picture and creates one very interesting queen!

And that's it for this month :)

Offerings to Nantosuelta...

2011-08-30T00:26:00.000-07:00

Nantosuelta, Lady of the Otherworld,

She who embraces the soul in flight.

Nantosuelta, guide and teacher,

Who holds sweetness at a price.

For the first time last night I made offerings to Nantosuelta. I had wanted to approach Her for some time, but I don't like to rush such things. I have been learning what I can and trying to form a clear picture in my mind. I don't know how to honour Her properly. I hope a connection will grow and She will show me. The direction I have decided to take, albeit over the course of many years, means that there are so few instructions on how to approach our gods. What once was known is lost to us, and maybe there is a silver lining to this? To forge ahead into something new we have to learn to go direct to the source and trust in the gods to show us the way. But these things take time. A life time or more maybe? Right now, I don't know how Nantosuelta should be honoured, but I have taken the first step and asked Her.

Last night I offered honey and a carving of (what was supposed to be) a beehive. I don't believe a single offering is enough to forge a relationship with a deity, but I do believe the gods listen and acknowledge commitment, and commitment takes time.

Still, I am pleased to have taken the first step.

Tom Hickathrift: a local folk tale...

2011-08-25T07:09:00.000-07:00

The tale of Tom Hickthrift intrigues me. It is a folk tale from Cambridgeshire about a rather lazy boy called Tom, who through cicumstance discovers he possesses amazing strenth. He soon earns himself fame when he kills a giant. Which all sounds rather bland. The interesting point is that he does so by pulling the wheel and axel from the cart he is pulling to defeat the giant. It's a potent image is it not? Imagine the figure of Tom, claimed by some to be a giant himself, standing there holding something that is remarkably remeniscent of the solar wheel and brandishing something akin to a club. Now that really is a magical image...

This is the first story you will probably find about Tom Hickathrift, but he goes on to have a few adventures with his friend Henry Nonsuch, who on their first meeting had bested Tom in a fight, and they gain some fame as giant killers.

According to Wiki Lina Eckenstien, in her book 'Comparative studies in nursery rhymes' (which sounds like a book I want to read!) suggests that Tom might be connected to the Nordic god Thor.

What I find particularly interesting is that an impossibly similar story exists in Cornwall as well as in the east Anglian fens. In the Cornish story Tom's friend who first bests him in a fight is called Jack who wears the hide of a bull. Again they are both giant killers. The Cornish story contains a few more details, but in essence the characters and the basic theme of the story is the same as the East Anglian folk tale.

How so? According to the Hidden East Anglia site, which has 5 interesting pieces on Tom Hickathrift, the earliest mention of the tale is John Weever's 'ancient funeral monuments' dating from 1631, but I haven't found the earliest reference to the Cornish variant of the tale. Did the story get taken from one side of the country to the other? Or do they both represent independant survivals of the same story? Is that a bit too far fetched? I honestly don't know.

I would love to think that Tom is a survival of a pagan god (the story certainly made my radar buzz with the detail of the wheel and axel!), and in the Cornish tale his friend Jack certainly sounds uncannily like Lugh in many respects. But unfortunately I lack the skill to unravel this mystery, but what a great story never-the-less!

Migrations...

2011-08-23T04:29:00.000-07:00

It was once believed that the Celts were invaders, incomers... The archaeological evidence was read as proof of huge migrations across the european continent.

These days I believe that the migration theory has lost most of it's momentum and experts currently think that actually the archaeological record is proof of acculturization rather than migration or invasion, where by people adopted new ideas and ways of doing things. A bit like punk-kids walking around with their trousers round their ankles in Britain in immitation of our American cousins and adopting American slang 'cos it's cool.

In the case of the British Isles this means that the Celts (I don't know nearly enough about the debate to comment on the validity of the term Celt so I won't even go into it) didn't oust the natives, rather the natives became Celts... much in the same way they became Romans, and as they later became Saxons (as people are starting to think).

Now, I know it's a little bit daft of me, but this notion rather pleases me. I like the idea of continuity. I like the idea that the inhabitants of these islands were always essentially the same people with a few new comers adding to the gene pool rather than destroying it. It's an awe inspiring thought that the same peoples could have been here since the Neolithic. I would put 'could' in italics if I could get blogger to work properly.

In another 25 years, I wonder if our perceptions will have changed radically again in light of new evidence?

Garden spirits...

2011-08-20T10:00:00.000-07:00

After reconsidering the garden once I did it again.

I have been imposing my will upon the garden and it is obvious that the garden has laughed in my face. I wanted to grow so much and despite what I thought I was doing, I really wasn't listening to the garden at all.

I decided that next year I will grow peas and beans. Nothing else.

Last sunset I went out into the garden. It is my most favourite time to be outside. I went out there and asked the land wights that were there to listen to me, to tell them that I could see how rude and presumptuous I had been; that next year I would spend my time learning to listen to them rather than trying to grow an astonishing harvest of fruit and vegetables.

In truth I wasn't expecting anything, I just wanted to acknowledge how badly I had got it wrong. But then, there besides me, something was there. Something I could see but not see. A disturbance in the air, about a foot tall.

It made me think I had been heard.

oh...

2011-08-17T23:18:00.000-07:00

With a little 'o'.

I have not been feeling myself. I get like this from time to time, don't you?

I have been tired, I have been wanting some time 'off' for a break, to just have some quiet and solitude. But that of course isn't going to happen and I've been trying to shake it out of my system. The last few days I've been trying really hard to plaster a smile on my face and wear it like I really mean it, and it helps. But I find when I'm like this I feel... I just can't pin point the word...

I wonder if I'm really up to teaching my two children. I wonder if I'm going to mess up. The big boy has asked to go back to school and see his friends, which lets me know that I'm not getting the social side right just yet and that I need to do more to correct that. It actually hurts when he asks about school and makes me doubt myself so much. But he's truly achieved so much since he left school, I have to believe it is that I'm not doing enough for his social interactions yet. The frustrating thing is that I do try to keep his social life up and running but have noticed that at play dates and outings with other children, the big boy just doesn't play with the other kids. He gets excited that these events are going to happen, yet in the company of other children he prefers to sit in the corner and do his own thing. I was concerned that this was a result of home-ed and asked his old teaching assistant if he displayed this behaviour while in school. She said he did, which was a relief to some extent because it didn't mean that it was something I was doing or not doing, but on the other hand a whole lot more concerning because it meant that it is a whole lot harder to 'fix'. It was this behaviour specifically that got me reading about the autistic spectrum. I can come to no other conclusion other than he wants the social interaction but doesn't know how to achieve it himself.

I have left a message with the paediatrician and am waiting for a call back. He is a very nice man and I know he will listen and take my concerns seriously, which is a pleasant contrast to the old paediatrician who retired. I wonder if this is what has put me so off kilter?

I am also rather miffed that the children have decided to start getting up earlier. I have been in the habit of being up and about for an hour to two hours before the children are even awake. I value this time enormously! I just am not at my best when I wake up and need time to slip out of grumpy monster mode and into mummy mode. That the children decide now that up-time is the minute they hear the bathroom light is disheartening. I really cannot entertain getting up any earlier than I do, I just hate mornings and know that with winter heading towards us that getting up earlier is a BAD idea. For what ever reason getting up early in the winter often leads to bouts of melancholy so I just don't do it any more. This has probably also contributed to my strange mood of late.

I am determined not to whine for my whole post though. I have started a more extended version of my morning devotions. After a more personal moment making a libation of sorts to Maponus I have been returning to the house to offer a prayer at my small kitchen shrine (the only one you will see on view if you visit my house, and it really is very inconspicuous) inspired by the Gaol Naofa prayers from the Carmina Gadelica. I've changed it to suit my own needs somewhat, and in an extention of sharing some of my coffee with Maponus I have also been offering it to 'the gods and the spirits'. Only when I have done this do allow myself a sip.... and ah, that is a good moment (despite still sticking to decaf). I'm still playing around with a night time devotion that feels meaningful to me.

Something interesting occured to me the yesterday. I was reading a little bit about shamanism and the description of the first stage of trance. The descriptions of geometric patterns jolted a memory from me. When I was a child, though not much since, I used to 'see' patterns behind my eyes when I was nodding off to sleep. I tried explaining to my mum and she didn't have a clue what I was talking about, and I didn't think it strange enough to keep asking about. The description of the first stage of trance sounds a lot like what I would see. Geometric patterns that would move about and reform into different patterns. I used to strain to 'see' the patterns because they would often sooth me off to sleep. Does any body know what this is? Is it normal and something completely different to the pictures seen in trance?

And now I bid you a happy day as I have to check my library loans and the museum opening times!

Reconsidering the garden...

2011-08-15T09:04:00.000-07:00

*Sigh*

The garden is only half what I had hoped. This far into the whold growing experiement I had hoped I would be better at the whole thing by now.

The self sown tomatoes are stronger than those that I started off early indoors. The supposedly prolific achocha have yeilded 3 fruits thus far, all of which I am saving for seed. The 'easy to grow' courgettes, cucs and winter squash have not been happy. The harvest amounts to 1 lebanese courgette and one all-green-bush courgette. All other curcubit-yum has shrivelled on the vine despite hand pollenation, and every plant has a bad case of powdery mildew as do all the peas that should be next years seed - are they still any good for saving even? All but the first dug treat of potatoes (which were delicious by the way) fell foul of blight. The cape gooseberry have barely survived let alone thrived and produced fruit. One small plant looks like it might attempt a flower soon so possibly there will be seed for next year. The red noodle beans have barely bothered to climb, though I still hold out hope the hyacinth bean may yet flower soon enough to provide seed to save. The strawberries were a wash out, the apple I fear is feeling poorly, though I lack the knowledge to identify the problem, and even the rose seems to be suffering from some unknown ailment.

I am not good at gardening. The soil here abouts is notoriously bad for agriculture, that's why they kept lots of sheep instead... which does make me feel a little better about my many failures as a gardener, but not by much.

Next year things will change. The garden LOOKED good this year. It had that wild jungle look about it. Not everyones cup of tea, but precisely what I wanted. Which is great, but I can hardly say it has been productive. So what to change for next year? Well, I'm going to stop trying to grow as much. Beans are still on the list because beans tend to do ok for me (french and broad bean that is) and I'll be adding runner beans next year which I didn't bother with this year. No potatoes next year, despite how yummy real potatoes are. I figure the ground is small enough that it needs a rest to recover from blight as it is so difficult to rotate crops as I plant individual plants all over the place. Though I adore squash I will resist all temptation to grow mulitiple kinds next year. I grew about 10 or so varieties this year, not including cucumbers, and haven't seen much for my efforts or cash investment (I get seeds as gifts!) and it is time to cut back. Definitely no pumpkins next year. What do I want to grow for food? What IS achievable?

- cucumbers

- french/pole beans

-broad beans (they're always kind to me)

- runner beans

-achocha

-hyacinth beans

- salad/pak choi

-sprouting brocolli

-radish (but only for the pods)

-a few varieties of squash and courgette that I got discounted already this year.

-peas

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE:

-potatoes

-cabbage

-cauliflower

-pumpkin

-carrots

-grain amaranths

Flowers though seem to do ok. The red flax looked wonderful. Maybe I'll try to grow more flowers next year?

Letters...

2011-08-15T07:57:00.000-07:00

We had a few family days away to watch the air show. Incidentally the air show was a real let down... not sure if we'll go next year as it was an expensive couple of days. Luckily for us we got a free room at my parents! ;)

What was particularly lovely though was that my mum gave me a letter she had found, from my great-grandparents. I'm an emotional person, and I just can't help it. In the letter my great-nanny Whiskerd talked of having a nasty tummy bug, and thanked my parents for the photo of 'our lovely little girl' (that would be me) and how they were looking forward to seeing us all again now that they were better. It was such an ordinary letter full of ordinary things, yet it is special to me.

Although it really is rather ordinary I am still filled with awe to think this physical object, touched by her hands and filled with her thoughts, can speak to me across the time barrier that divides us. I imagine her siting down to write those words, and find it magical to think that this piece of paper has been a part of her world, albeit briefly.

It is special to have loved ones feel close, even after they have gone.

On being fat...

2011-08-08T08:40:00.000-07:00

I have always been fat.

Even as a stupid teenager living on nothing but oranges and apples (and half a sandwich on a Friday because I knew lovely Z would tell me off if I didn't eat while at her house) I was still overweight. I'm just not made slim, despite being small.

Incidentally why do clothes makers all seem to assume that if I'm fat I also have legs up to my armpits?!

Anyway I was mortified to discover over the weekend that since last summer I have grown out of my favourite dress. The zip now refuses to close. This is very upsetting. It's one thing to make my peace with being fat, but quite another to make any sort of peace with getting fatter! At 27 I should not be growing out of my clothes.

In the past I have always had a few mental health issues when it comes to my body. In recent years though, while not being enthusiastic about my weight, I have tried to take a Dawn French stance on the whole thing. I would not be me without a tummy (Ha! Chance would be a fine thing!!). But, well...

I think I have to try to lose some stones.

Because I'm starting to feel it. I feel heavy and slow and yuck, and it's just not nice. The prospect of losing weight though is a rather depressing one as I'm rather fond of food and not so fond of exercise. Hence my increasing girth. Having had mild problems before with weight and body image etc, I have to really discipline myself and make sure I lose weight (hopefull) sensibly.

*Sigh*...

Rosmerta...

2011-08-06T13:56:00.000-07:00

Rosmerta isn't a goddess that gets mentioned an awful lot it seems, and yet I feel She should.

The name means 'Great Provider' which is very much in line with Her continental iconography. In once Gaulish areas, in the few depictions that survive of Rosmerta She is seen holding a cornucopia, that well known symbol of plenty and abundance.

Rosmerta frequently appears wih Mercury, often thought to be the Roman equivilant of Lugus (also known as Lugh and Llew), though this is not always the case and may suggest Her worship had it's own integrity rather than simply being 'tagged on' to that of Mercury.

There is an element of Rosmerta's iconography that is found only in the British Isles though, and this is the image of a bucket and ladle. Miranda Green suggest in her dictionary of celtic myth that this bucket may be similar to the cauldron of rebirth, but in my opinioni the bucket just doesn't look all that much like a cauldron of rebirth. Over on one of the threads on Caer Feddwyd, Megli has pointed out that the 'bucket' of Rosmerta looks like a mixing bucket - something in which wine would have been mixed with water. This may suggest that Rosmerta is a goddess of sovereignty, issuing the sacred brew to the king to legitimise his claim. There is an Irish story of King Conn in which he meets Lugh in a dream, and in this dream Lugh is accompanied by a figure that represents the sovereignty of the land that would fit this view of Rosmerta very nicely indeed. Deiniol suggested in the same thread on Caer Feddwyd that if this is the case Rosmerta may be an epithet of Meduana the 'mead-lady'.

On the other hand Hilda Ellis Davidson seems to view Rosmerta's bucket as a milk churn and therefore reads the symbolism rather differently. Take a look at this article : http://www.indigogroup.co.uk/edge/Ocattle.htm You can also read 'Roles of the Northern Goddess' here: http://www.scribd.com/doc/58354069/Roles-of-the-Northern-Goddess in which Hilda Ellis Davidson talks a little more about Rosmerta. There is also a nice photograph on page 34 of a relief of Rosmerta discovered at Housesteads. Ellis Davidson believes that Rosmerta's churn is a northern symbol of plenty, much as Her iconography on the continent represents abundance.

I wonder if the two different readings of Rosmerta's bucket have to be mutually exclusive? It's worth baring in mind that the Gods of the celts are rarely one dimensional.

A few searches with the mighty google also turns up some suggestion of a link between Rosmerta and the Roman Fortuna. They appear depicted together a few times and I've read of a relief from bath in which Fortuna holds an up-turned torch, while Rosmerta holds a down-turned torch. Precisely what this means is beyond me, though it might imply some sort of reflection of Fortuna.

Today I was reminded of this link again when I was thinking on something else Deiniol of Brython said. Over on Caer Feddwyd Deiniol has written that 'Rosmerta' could also have a double meaning of 'Great foreseer'. I was thinking about this more specifically in terms of a link between Rosmerta and Gunnlod of northern myth. It occured to me that if Rosmerta can look into the future, something of a seer, maybe She would also have been turned to to ensure a favourable future, and it struck me that this could at least offer me some sort of explaination as to why Rosmerta might frequently be shown with and conflated with Fortuna.

Now as to a link with Gunnlod... I'm really not sure! I keep thinking about this because in recent months I have seen a handful of people independantly (as far as I know) linking Rosmerta to Gunnlod. They both have ties to Lugus (Rosmerta with Mercury, and Gunnlod with Odin) and with Deiniols suggestion of Rosmerta being a foreseer it would also mean that both Gunnlod and Rosmerta can look into the future. They both are also in possession of some form of liquid. That is quite a vague statement but that's as precise as I can be. Gunnlod guards (somewhat unwillingly) the mead of poetry, which Odin steals from Her (although 'steal' is not really the right word as Gunnlod has already fore seen this incident and allows it to happen), but it isn't clear what liquid Rosmerta is in possession of so it is really rather difficult to draw a parallel. I suspect the possibility of a link between Rosmerta and Gunnlod is something I will continue to pick at for quite a while, and probably without coming to any firm conclusions. I would like to be convinced as Gunnlod has a story to delve into and learn from, but I'm not convinced. Not yet at least.

So who is Rosmerta? I have no personal connection to Her as yet, but I would like to develop one at some time. Right now, I just try to find Her in study (if you can call it that) and hope something will grow out of that organically.

Morning Devotions...

2011-08-04T22:39:00.000-07:00

For the last month or two I have been making very simple morning devotions for Maponus.

I really struggled with finding an appropriate way to honour Maponus but the feel I was getting was that it should be something to do with 'earthly beginnings'... I've taken this to be mornings and so far it seems to work well.

It's a gesture, really, nothing complex. Each morning the first thing I do is make a cup of coffee (decaf now for a whole week - check me out!!) and before I allow myself to drink any I go out barefoot to a tiny, shady spot in my garden, and I offer some first to Maponus. To me this represents the sentiment that He is welcome in my life, and that I am actively open to sharing my life with Him. It's never a time of deep and meaningful contemplation. I'm not at my best in the morning! But it has become rather integral to my day now. I find some peace in the repetition of the act itself and what it symbolises for me.

While I was away at my parents I missed this morning devotion, and all I could manage was a mental nod before drinking my morning coffee.

I've been thinking of including a more general morning devotion to the gods and spirits at the start of the day, but I'm still working on that.

How about you, do you perform any morning devotions?

prayer book...

2011-08-04T03:54:00.000-07:00

I got fed up with flipping through various notebooks to find specific prayers and blessings that I had copied down or composed, and so I decided to make a prayer book. I'm rather pleased with it though it's far from perfect. I suppose I could have just bought a nice book already made for me, but I wanted to actually make something myself. I thought (as it's still rather bare even with the prayers and blessings I already use) I would start reading the Carmina Gadelica for some inspiration as it's available online from SacredTexts.

The most challenging part was fixing the pages into the book. I won't go into tutorial like detail as there are plenty of those already on the web. I'm now feeling somewhat more confident with putting together my book of plants. Speaking of which, I've just picked up a promising book today from the library about plant use, folklore etc. I'm rather looking forward to getting reading it once the children are in bed!

Thinking about Autism...

2011-08-02T02:14:00.000-07:00

There has been a question mark before concerning autism and my big boy, but recently a few people have queried it with me again which has made me start thinking about it a little more again. Should I be asking the paediatrician to be thinking about this more?

He has a diagnosis of ADHD, but these are some of his behaviours -

nail/finger picking and biting

forced laughter sometimes at inappropriate times

'lost' words prior to 2 years of age

trouble maintaining eye contact

significant speech and language delay

he never wanted to cuddle for a very long time and even now hugs are very brief.

repeats words out of context

obsessive behaviours that change e.g a stage of licking everything, or a stage of touching people in inappropriate places etc

has always has trouble with imaginitive play and the imaginitive play he has developed is repetative.

problems with sensory integration

inappropriate responce to pain

high pitched screaming when exicted

no volume control on his verbal communication

impulsive aggression

I know there are a few of you that read my blog with experience with austic children, so I'm wondering what you think?

Lughnasa...

2011-07-31T23:24:00.000-07:00

A happy Lughnasa to all :)

I did my main personal observances yesterday while Mr. Nellie was about to entertain the children. Mr. Nellie played football with the boys in the field while I climbed the highest hill I could find. Going up was hard work, but coming down was perilous! My is that hill steep! Luckily for me as I was going up the few people who were already up there started coming down. This was perfect as there is not all that much room up there and I would have felt a bit of a plonker being observed.

The sun was scorching hot, almost heavy upon my face. On an artificial hill in the middle of a rather flat landscape I really could see for miles. Back when the land was cleared of trees you really wouldn't have been able to miss a thing from up there.

Lammas and Lughnasa have been seperate celebrations for me, but this year I decided to bring my Lammas tradition into my marking of Lughnasa. Usually for Lammas I forage as much fruit as I can and make fruit leather with them. This year I was lucky enought to get a good amount of greengages, though it was bittersweet as the railways cut down all of the cherry-plums when they sold off some of their land (a sad day...) So to combine my Lammas tradition with Lughnasa I made the fruit leather a few days early and offered this to Lugus on top of the hill, instead of the more traditional offering of blueberries. I thought He might appreciate something I had made myself more, and hopefully I made the right call.

I didn't write anything formal for the occasion for this celebration as I some times do. The words I spoke were far more personal this time around. It was an especially poignant for me because I finally feel like I'm STARTING to understand who Lugus is. He is far too complex for me to claim anything more than that I'm starting to understand Him, but even this little bit of clarity is a hugely important thing to me. It's for this reason I don't feel inclined to go into any detail about what words I might have used this time around, though I hope that by next year I will have written something a little more formal to attend my Lughnasa observances as well.

Today though I'll hopefully be making the Lammas wreath with the children to mark the start of the harvest season. Or perhaps it will be more of a 'dolly' this year rather than a wreath to make it easier for Moo's tiny hands to join in? We'll see. Pictures to follow! This evening I will be joining the members of Brython in their triple toast to mark the feast of Lugus.

Have a lovely day everyone!

Lugus...

2011-07-31T01:48:00.000-07:00

For quite some time I have been pondering on why Lugus is connected to the harvest and celebrated when He is, when He seems to quite clearly NOT be an agricultural deity. A random visit to the website of Gaol Naofa (a gaelic reconstructionist site) summed it up perfectly though, in such a simple fashion that I wonder why it hadn't occured to me. It is the Irish myths that offer most in the way of information on Lugus, and in the Irish myths it is Lugh as the champion that defeats the Fomorians and thus wins from them the secrets of agriculture.

This fits in rather nicely with my UPG and what I have come to believe about Lugus. Lugus is not only a champion, he is our champion. He gives us the gifts of culture. This doesn't necessarily have to be agriculture, it might also be industry. Lugus is essentially the god that gave humankind a helping hand up out of the mud as it were.

In the Irish myths again, Lugh's grandfather is one of the Fomorians, and therefore Lugh himself is one of the family of the untamed forces of nature. As such I believe he interceeds for us, and acts as in intermediary for us. He showed us how we might start to work with the forces of nature rather than always being at their mercy. The Fomorians are wild, not evil. They are deities to I would suppose, but they are uninterested and unconcerned with the wants and needs of humankind. Lugus though, for His own reasons, is concerned with humankind. Little wonder if Lugus was a mightily important and powerful god through the iron age and beyond.

Lugh is also thought by some to be the hero figure of Finn McCool, which I believe can be etymologically linked to Gwynn of Welsh folklore. This is something I find very interesting. Gwynn is the Lord of the Otherworld and the leader of the wild hunt, just as Odin is the leader of the wild hunt in northern mythology (Odin is another figure that seems to be another guise of this god). So while Lugus is The Champion we could also wonder if he is Lord of the Otherworld (Caesar's Dis Pater?)

Alexi Kondratiev links Lugus to Cernunnos, mentioning the caduceus, and the mistletoe (later winged) cap, which when I first read months ago I wasn't at all sure I was convinced of. These days however I find it personally very convincing (funny how quickly we can change our ideas hmm?). Cernunnos is a god whom I know many have dealings with and their collective UPG seems to agree that Cernunnos is indeed Lord of the Otherworld.

Lugus sometimes is refered to as a triplicity. Perhaps these two roles might be two of his faces - The Champion and Lord of the Otherworld. Which would beg the question as to what is the third face of Lugus. Maybe the magician/shaman? Lugus is certainly known as a magician, and his northern conterpart Odin is most certainly a Shaman type deity. More to think on...

Violets...

2011-07-30T01:24:00.000-07:00

I've been rather quiet by my normal standards. Sometime you just don't feel like sharing huh?

Today though I thought I would post a few initial impressions of Violet.

Quite by accident I discovered that Violet seems to be rather good at dispersing anger and aggression. I had reached a point where I wanted to to break something. I was having a horrible day that didn't look like it was going to get any better. But then quite miraculously I found quite calm again, rediscovered patience and felt generally much better. This was such a change in responce that I did a mental double take and thought 'what changed?' I realised then that the only thing added to the equation at that time was that I had turned my attention towards Violet.

I was actually quite surprised and pleasantly so that quite by accident I had discovered something about this plant (and immensely grateful to be feeling so serene about the world again)!

I had decided to sleep with the plant under my pillow. The idea was to invite dreams of Violet as another route to learning. I woke up in the morning dissapointed. No dreams from Violet. After my initial dissapoinment it struck me how quickly I had fallen asleep. Now, you see, I am a long term insomniac. I find it incredibly difficult to sleep. But I had nodded off to sleep as soon as I got into bed. I kept the violet under my pillow for the following nights with the same result. Good news for me, but I was also rather pleased to have discovered something else about violets.

This is the sum of my personally discovered knowledge to date, and I may have mentioned it in passing already, but I rather wanted to have a round up 'so far' with violets.

Thinking about the future...

2011-07-25T05:39:00.000-07:00

Mr. Nellie and I were talking just the other day about Moo.

When we decided to take the big boy out of school the plan was always that Moo would go to school as normal. But time has passed and thoughts have changed, as they are wont to.

The more I hear about the schools struggling and the more I think on the fundamental structure the more I have been relieved that we have taken the big boy out of the whole thing. Inevitably this led to me realising that I'm soon going to be sending Moo into just that same situation.

This was an umcomfortable thought. The old man and I were talking about this very thing.

The conclusion to that talk was that Moo will very likely be home schooled too, which makes it a whole new ball game. Moo is a very different child to the big boy (who has aquired the nick-names Lamb or Lumpkin... yes, I know, I'm not altogether sure why either...) He loves to learn and will eagerly aquire knowledge but he has a whole different set of needs to the Lamb...

In trying to envisage how this might work I decided to do a rough outline of future years and how we might progress, what subjects, themes and units we might want to cover and in what order; looking at what kind of things will be best in summer months and what will need building upon again and again. That sort of thing. As I sketched these thoughts out, mapping out the years ahead, it was seeing those years written down on paper that it struck me how very long term this commitment is. I WANT to do this for my children, I sincerely believe that it is in their best interests. But to see in black and white the years of my life I am commiting is daunting. It bothers me that a pension plan is a long way off and it bothers me how it will look by the time I get to applying for a job. It doesn't change that I'm going to do this, but it was quite shocking to face the enormity of this resposibility.

In truth at this moment we can't see Lamb ever really fitting into a school situation. Which means I'm going to be doing this until I'm at least 36, and that seems like a long time. At which point Moo will be of an age to go to secondary school, but there of course has to be a consideration at that point for what he wants and where he will fulfill his full potential. I enjoy our days together. I enjoy witnessing the learning taking place. I value our shared lifestyle enormously. But I do worry how hard it might be for me to find a paying job when this stage of our lives is over.

A carving ban and violets...

2011-07-24T01:31:00.000-07:00

At the end of last week I put myself on a carving ban. Every spare moment I had I picked up my little knife. I was bordering on obsessed!

It meant that I wasn't getting a chance to get much of anything else done. All those long awaited library books were languishing by my bed, unread. The art pages for my violet studies were resolutely blank.

A whole week without allowing myself to touch my work-in-progress? Could I do it? Oh it was hard!! My fingers were itching to get hold of my knife to begin with, and I packed away all tools out of sight in dark cuboards to relieve some of the temptation.

Now a week later I find the obsession has released me :)

I FINALLY finished the celtic myths and legends book, and despite not being convinced I would enjoy the reading to begin with I did! I didn't know any of the stories from Brittany and they were lovely. It also means I have copious notes to write (geek!) and more books to note down from the recommended reading list. I do love a book that has a bibliography or reading list!

This also means I have finally started reading Britain AD by Francis Pryor which I've been looking forward to (though I temporarily forgot that during my carving frenzy) as I rather enjoyed Britain BC.

I also finally ventured forth into plant adventures with violet. Violet has been a-calling. It's been volunteering in my garden quietly. During my carving ban I've spent a couple of evenings sat making sketches and an evening or two doing a little bit of herbal research. My how useful violet is!

I made some interesting discoveries. Two of them are particularly worth mentioning. First to note is that violets have a history of use for soothing and for the urinary tract, infamed kidneys etc. I wonder if they might be able to sooth Mr. Nellie's kidney a little bit?

I also came across a mention (on the net) of some folklore pertaining to violets. It was said that violets planted by the door to the house would guard against attacks from evil witches. I take this to mean that violet must generally protect against harmful influences against the home. This I find interesting because the first place that violet volunteered was in a pot right by the front door. This is particularly interesting because I have a long history with fear.

Fear has continued to have such a strong influence on my life. I don't entirely know what is responsible. Maybe in part it is jumping into things before I was able to deal with them. Maybe it is my biggest secret that I spoke of on this blog once in an attempt to face upto the darkness (you won't find it archived as I've taken that particular post down) and the uncertainty of it, the nature of it and just carrying it around. Whatever the reason, fear has always blocked my way. Violet's protective folklore seems of relevance.

Now that might not seem like I've gotten a whole lot done in a week, but I'm pretty pleased ^_^

Rivers topic...

2011-07-22T02:53:00.001-07:00

Though this blog isn't really a home-ed blog I wanted to share some great resources I found for our last topic, for those that google :)

These books were fantastic. The first is aimed at giving even very young children a basic understanding of the water cycle, and the second is more in-depth for older children. Even Moo who isn't even three yet can now answer a few leading questions on the water cycle, because he enjoyed The Drop Goes Plop so much. Great books! We did of course use LOTS of other books. Lots on various river animals and rivers in general, with our main story focus being a lovely Usborne illustrated retelling of Wind in the Willows.

Moo loved making a display of the water cycle but the big boy, most enjoyed watching clips on youtube of different water sports.

What we ALL loved was this song about the water cycle: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3QwLYfgwP0 I still find myself singing it at odd moments! It is quite possibly the coolest educational song ever!

Mysterious tree...

2011-07-22T01:09:00.000-07:00

I've asked before and drawn a blank, but as there are a few more people reading this blog now I thought I would chance my luck again. I can't find this in any of my identification books. Any ideas folks? The shrub has now just about finished flowering and is covered in the seed pods which are green with maybe a hint of red thrown in. The cacoon like seed pods which measure upto 5cm's I guess, then turn brown and crispy like the ones in the picture. The shrub seems to happily self seed in urban areas and I've only seen them upto about 2m ish, but that's not to say they don't grow any larger. I've been trying to find out for 4 years what this shrub/tree is!

Plants are not human...

2011-07-20T22:37:00.000-07:00

I have read a couple of books that talk of plant spirits. I've been wanting to know more as any regular readers will be aware of by now. But my big hang up has been this idea of a big head-honcho species spirit, call it what you will: Deva, angel, ally... I'm rather more fond of plant wight as (for me) it lacks the connotations of the other names and I get hung up on words.

I've not liked this concept. I've been picking at it. I interact with THIS violet, but I'm interacting with the same violet spirit when I interact with THAT violet? My birch friend is unique to me, not the same as every other birch. It is this detail that I get bothered by and think too much on.

But I'm thinking in human terms. If I cut my arm off it cannot continue to keep living and growing independantly of me and have a life all of its own, it just isn't the same as plant propogation. Plainly we are different. Plants are not human and humans are not plants, we are different so for me to try to make sense of the plant world in human terms is just plain stupid. Besides being stupid it's not going to get me anywhere, evidenced in my lack of progress in this area over the last year.

If I let go of my ego-centric notions of what is and what is not reasonable the big plant wight of a species isn't so implausable any more. Just because it doesn't fit into my experience of the world does not mean it doesn't fit into the world.

Trees though... trees... I suppose this holds true for trees. They are different from us. Their rules of being in the world are not the same as ours. Do trees have greater individuality than plants? My birch friend is sweet and comforting, but in the past I've felt an old birch that was decidedly cross and grumpy, and most certainly not welcoming.

Now me being true to my nature, I wonder about trees that have been grafted (which is a goodly percentage of bought trees). One one tree is physically visable. But 2 lives went into its creation. Trees are different again. It makes me sad to think that my birch friend might not be an individual, as I know it, so the emotional investment kind of hinders my thoughts in that direction.

Still, I have made my peace with the concept of over-spirit, and that's further than I was this time last week.

Expansion...

2011-07-19T23:29:00.000-07:00

I mentioned in a post last week, my meeting with a sycamore tree.

I was wandering through a town part, much frequented in my youth as a place to eat lunch at hight school. It was approaching twilight.

It isn't a park of flowers, rather a park of trees. As I approached the Ravine (it sounds far more spectacular than it really is!) there was a little spot between a triangle of trees that was... fizzing. In the dimming light I could see the space dancing with energy. I went closer and found myself watched by a squirrel making his way through a nut. By the debris on the ground I would suppose his home, or favourite munching spot was above in the branches of the trees.

I waited for a little while, hardly able to breathe. I had no intention of actively seeking anything of a deeper connection with the energy but did want to wait and see how much I would be able to *see*. The squirrel waited with me, he sat inside a sycamore tree I noticed. At ground level the tree had a big hole right through its trunk, right up to about waist level.

I wondered if there was maybe something special about this space inbetween these trees and tried to *see* some sort of form, but my eyes could make out nothing of an edge to the energy, it just was.

Then I wondered if this energy was the sycamore tree itself? I think most probably it was, but I don't know for sure. I said goodbye and I said thankyou because I felt honoured to have been allowed to see the tree.

I wandered off. Didn't walk off, I wandered off in a rather dream like state. It took only a minute for me to realise that I wasn't behaving normally. I kept finding myself stopping, just standing there with no real knowledge of why I had stopped, and staring up at the tree canopy, down into the Ravine, out to sea... Just stopped still every few steps or so. I wasn't staring at details like I normally would. It was like constantly looking on my periferal vision. It was the whole scene I was looking at, I had to keep reminding myself to blink.

Although I was experiencing this a part of my mind was noticing how oddly I was behaving. I felt decidedly odd it has to be said, entranced.

Fortunately for me there were very few people about. When I did pass by somebody I was aware that I was staring at them far too intensely. That small quiet part of my observing brain had to tell me to turn my crazy eyes away from the man.

As I returned to my parents house the sensation slowly faded, but I went back to the tree the next day and left an offering, because I felt that this strange expansive perception had been a gift from the tree.